


You Know I'm No Good

by buk19



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Cheating, Drinking, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drunk Clarke, Drunk Lexa, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Excessive Drinking, F/F, Flashbacks, G!p Lexa, Girl Penis Lexa, Jealous Lexa, Jealousy, Loss of Parent(s), Mentions of addiction, Minor Character Death, OC, Past Infidelity, Post-Break Up, Protective Lexa, Singer!Clarke, Slow Burn, Soulmates, actress!lexa, seriously the angst is real, very angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-07-23 22:51:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7483023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buk19/pseuds/buk19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke and Lexa are madly in love and together for 6 years when Lexa does the unthinkable. The couple breaks up and both are left shattered and heart broken.</p><p>Lexa is hollywood’s golden girl and Clarke is an up and coming indie singer. They were the power couple of the decade until fame, distance, and betrayal got in the way. What happens when they break up? Well for starters, lots and lots of angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Breaking News

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all! This is going to be a side fic for the time being. I've been working on another fic for quite some time so this one won't be updated as regularly as my 'Leaving Home (My Heart Never Left You)' fic..for now atleast.
> 
> Anyways, hope you like what I have so far. Enjoy! And sorry for any mistakes.
> 
> Oh and btw, when Clarke is singing in the flashback, she's singing Gasoline by Halsey. Just wanted to get that out there, so nobody thinks I created those lyrics.

BREAKING NEWS: Actress Costia Greene reported leaving Lexa Woods’ and Clarke Griffins’ apartment sporting clothes from the night before. Pictures attached show Woods and Greene clubbing the night prior. Woods’ longtime singer girlfriend Griffin nowhere to be seen. Trouble in paradise perhaps?

BREAKING NEWS: Beloved actress Lexa Woods and longtime girlfriend Clarke Griffin split! Click the link for details on their messy breakup and who’s keeping their NYC penthouse suite!

BREAKING NEWS: Is Clarke Griffin back to her old partying ways? Click the link below to see a timeline of Griffin’s old partying days to now. Is she still reeling from heartbreak?

BREAKING NEWS: Lexa Woods is named Stars’ #1 Most Beautiful. Take note ladies! Woods is newly on the market. More details below.

BREAKING NEWS: Clarke Griffin’s new EP “White Powder” is soon to be released. All the songs were written and recorded after her split from longtime girlfriend Lexa Woods. Is this a ‘get back at your ex’ record? We shall soon see.

BREAKING NEWS: ‘Clexa soulmates’ is trending on all forms of social media. Seems like fans are not happy with the duo’s breakup. Is there any hope for a reunion between the ex lovers?

“Ugh fuck this.”

Lexa throws her phone across the hotel room, too frustrated to care if it breaks. Ever since her and Clarke broke up, paparazzi has been up their asses. They’re always hypothesizing the _real_ reason behind her and Clarke’s break up. She never can have a free moment without her phone buzzing away with updates on her own damn life. Breaking news this. Breaking news that. 

Lexa never minded the spotlight before. Her and Clarke’s relationship started before they were thrusted into the limelight. They met the summer before their senior year. Lexa had just moved from to Manhattan. She was newly emancipated and managed to scrape together enough money to make a move to a small dingy apartment. Clarke was in the foster care system as well. Her father died when she was 14. Her mother was responsible and died of an overdose a few months after being sentenced to 16 months for involuntary manslaughter. So yeah, neither girls had an easy childhood. 

They met in their school’s choir room. Clarke kept mostly to herself except for her best friend Raven. During lunch periods, Raven would be holed up in the library studying for her APs and college level courses. Meanwhile, Clarke would spend most of her free time alone in the choir room, writing songs and trying them out on her beat up ole' guitar - the only she had left of her father. And that’s exactly where Lexa’s ears were graced for the first time with the most pleasant of sounds she’s ever heard to this day.

///

_6.5 Years Ago_

_It’s Lexa’s second week at Polis High School. It’s not a bad set up here. There’s no bars on the windows and she doesn’t have to worry about offending someone by making eye contact. Her last school still leaves her with nightmares. Lexa was always a soft spoken sweet girl. She was never made for the foster care system. So the brunette girl with adorably frizzy curls got herself emancipated as soon as she could. Since her old school barely checked attendance after first period and Lexa already knew everything that was being taught, she would sneak out after her first period English class and work a long grueling shift at one of her three jobs. Sometimes on weekends, Nyko, the owner of a hole fancy nightclub up the street from her foster home, would pay her under the table to come and bus tables when his girls were out. Most of the bar patrons were handsy old rich men who would grab her ass and pull her close to shove a 10 in her pocket. When their hands lingered for too long, she politely pushed them away and continued to clean off the table. The pay at Nyko’s was better than all of her jobs combined so she put up with it. Lexa always felt like she needed 5 showers after working a shift._

_At the end of the day though, it was all worth it. She was out of the system she despised so and making a better life for herself. Lexa was exploring the school halls during her lunch period when she heard the voice of an angel singing the words of a surely battered but still fighting soul. Whoever was singing was a survivor just like Lexa. She could feel it in her bones._

_“Are you high enough without the Mary Jane like me? Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me? Do the people whisper 'bout you on the train like me? Saying that you shouldn't waste a pretty face like me?”_

_Lexa followed the echoes of the voice which led to the most stunning human she’s ever laid eyes on. The girl had soft golden tresses framing her angelic face. The girl was looking down with her eyes closed, strumming her guitar and humming along to the beat of her song. This girl clearly lived for the music. Her whole body seemed to come more and more alive with each melody leaving her pouty oh so kissable lips. Lexa felt a pull to her unlike no other._

_“You can't wake up, this is not a dream. You're part of a machine, you are not a human being. With your face all made up, living on a screen. Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline.”_

_The words hit Lexa in the chest like a train barreling full speed ahead. The girl in front of her was so beautiful yet so broken. She was surviving on the strings of her guitar and strength of her character. Lexa was fascinated by this girl but it wasn’t until the blonde opened her eyes and Lexa became acquainted with the most piercing blue of her life that she realized that she was a goner. Whoever this mystery angel was had stolen her heart at the first strum of her guitar and hum of her husky vocal chords._

///

Lexa’s phone beeps again and the brunette reluctantly pulls herself off the uncomfortable hotel room couch and away from her thoughts to answer whoever is texting her. It’s Anya. 

Anya Forrest became one of Lexa’s only true friends in the world of the rich and famous. Lexa met her at an after party celebrating the release of her first big film “The Flame” when she was 19 years old. Back then, Anya was a new up and coming fashion designer. Now, she’s owner of a multi billion fashion enterprise. Not that those type of materialistic things mattered to Lexa. Anya was like an older sister to Lexa, making sure she didn’t get sucked into the darker world of the rich and famous. And for that, Lexa is forever grateful.

From Anya: Hey Lexa. How’s the movie shoot going?

To Anya: Pretty good. Sorry I couldn’t make it out to your fashion show this past weekend. Scheduling has been so tight lately. I’ve barely had a moment to breathe.

From Anya: That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.. Clarke was there…

Lexa’s heart stops beating for a second. This is the first _real, viable_ information she has on her ex since their breakup. Clarke has gone off the radar. Lexa has been consumed by nerves, worrying that one of these days she would get an update from a gossip rag stating that her ex was mixed up in some real trouble or worse.. 

To Anya: Oh.

To Anya: How did she look? Is she ok Anya?

From Anya: Well that’s the thing Lex..your girl has looked better.

To Anya: What do you mean?

From Anya: I mean that she was with the lead singer of The Arkers and she looked like she was nursing a pretty bad hangover.

Oh no shit. This is exactly what Lexa was terrified of. Clarke has had her fair share of struggles with addiction. Lexa has helped her cope with it in the past and she’s been clean for about 2 ½ years now. When Lexa heard from Raven that Clarke was out drinking and partying after the break up, her heart sunk. This was all her fault. She tried reaching out to Clarke but Raven said that only made matters worse and politely asked her to give the blonde some space. Lexa has kept her distance but it has been driving her insane not being able to talk to her ex.

To Anya: God. Anya don’t tell me you think she’s using again.

To Anya: I’m going to call her right now.

From Anya: Are you sure that’s wise Lex? I know you still love her but you cheated on her. If she’s hurting she’s not going to open up to you. 

Lexa deeply sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. 

To Anya: You don’t think I know that?! I ruined our 6 year relationship. I fucked it all up and I couldn’t be more sorry. But she might be having a relapse! I can’t just sit here a do nothing.

From Anya: You’re driven to fix everything. But there are something things that are out of your control Lex. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, then you have to let it be.

From Anya: I love you Lexa. I just don’t want to see either of you hurt. If you do decide to call her, I just want to warn you that I think she’s seeing Octavia Blake, that chick from The Arkers. They were really touchy at the fashion show. Blake has quite the reputation too so it worries me that Clarke is spending time with her.

Almost at the same moment as she gets that text from Anya, Lexa gets an gossip update about her ex (shocker).

BREAKING NEWS: Indie singer/songwriter Clarke Griffin was recently spotted out with The Arkers infamous lead singer Octavia Blake. Is love in the air?

Lexa wanted to cry. She didn’t want to imagine the love of her life with someone else but it’s her fault they’re in this mess. It’s her fault that her and Clarke are done. It’s her fault Clarke might be dating this Octavia Blake person. And if Clarke is using again, well that’s her fault too. Anya keeps telling her that she’s human and she makes mistakes. That she can’t blame herself for everything that ever goes wrong in Clarke’s life from this point forward but she does. Because if she didn’t cheat, everything would be okay. If she didn’t cheat, that ring she bought a year ago wouldn’t be burning a hole in her sock drawer. If she didn’t cheat, she would still go to bed with Clarke in her arms and wake up in the morning to blonde hair messily splayed all over her face. If she didn’t fuck up like she always does she would still have Clarke Griffin in her life, carrying her heart just as she carried hers. But she did fuck up and destroy everything. And now Lexa Woods is left to pick up the pieces. Is it all too far gone though?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually have a few social media AU tumblr posts for this fic already posted on my tumblr. 
> 
> First part of the AU can be found here if you're interested: http://clexainparadise.tumblr.com/post/145639813180/ok-so-ive-had-this-idea-swirling-around-my-head
> 
> I would love to hear all of your opinions on this fic. I have lots and lots of ideas of where I'm gonna take this. Just curious to see if anyone likes what I have so far :)
> 
> I'll try to update soon and with longer chapters!


	2. The Day It All Went to Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's new EP and music video is released. Clarke and Octavia have some fun. Lexa thinks about the day she fucked everything up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all. So some people are really feeling a Octavia/Clarke engdame. Not going to lie, that's definitely interesting. Maybe I'll work one another fic with that but for the purposes of this fic, it's Clexa endgame. It's going to take a hell of a long time to get back to that though. 
> 
> Be warned that this chapter mentions drug abuse, overdoses, and there's also some brief smut (but not Clexa so if that's not your thing..there's some of that thrown in the chapter).
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes!

BREAKING NEWS: Rock singer Octavia Blake confirms her and Clarke Griffin’s new relationship status on Twitter. How does America’s sweetheart Lexa Woods feel about this new love so soon after her and Griffin’s breakup? Could this be the real reason behind Clexa’s downfall? Visit our homepage for more details.

Lexa glances at her phone in between scenes for her new action film ‘Fear the Reapers.’ She plays the lead character, a deadly undercover cop who’s been working a dangerous drug cartel. The film is expected to be a big hit, which makes her manager Titus all the happier.  
Yet another update on Clarke’s love life graces her phone, instantly souring Lexa’s mood. Lexa knows she fucked up with Clarke. If the blonde singer were to find love again with someone who deserved her, she wouldn’t be so disconcerted right now. But Octavia Blake. The girl spells out trouble. That girl is always in the tabloids. She is a hardcore partyer and the exact opposite of what a recovering addict should be around. Lexa hates that someone else gets to hold Clarke at night, but more than that, she’s terrified to her very being that Clarke is going to relapse.

“Alright everyone get back to your marks. We are starting again from the last scene.”

Lexa hands her phone back to her assistant Echo and goes back to filming, trying desperately to focus on her lines and not a certain blue eyed blonde.

///

“Clarke baby come back to bed.”

Clarke smiles back at the very naked rock singer in her bed before grabbing two bottles of water and returning to the warm embrace of her new girlfriend. Octavia is wild and spontaneous, everything Lexa isn’t. She’s reckless and a rebel. She has no filter and is unnecessarily vulgar. And shit, that girl can fuck like no other. Octavia Blake is a fix that Clarke Griffin can’t get enough of.

(But secretly she misses those gentle touches and gentle murmurs of ‘I love you’ in the heat of passion. She misses Lexa’s soft hands and their quiet nights in. She misses Lexa’s good morning kisses and late night back massages. She misses seeing the sweet awkward side of Lexa Woods that the media never got to witness. She misses their debates on postmodernism literature and their in depth discussion on obscure poetry that nobody else ever seemed to have heard of. Clarke misses Lexa Woods, the woman she thought she would spend the rest of her life with. Her first kiss. First fuck. First Love.. and the woman she thought would be her last of all of the above. A woman she thought could never hurt her. Oh how wrong she was.)

“So listen, I was thinking we could go to that club opening with the band in celebration of your EP release tonight. We can party till the sun comes up.”

Octavia pulls Clarke in for a searing hot kiss, sucking her bottom swollen lip until the blonde moans into her mouth causing the sweetest of vibrations down to her core. The Arker lead singer releases her girlfriend’s lip with a loud popping sound, smirking at how dark Clarke’s gaze has transitioned with just one kiss.

“Uh y-yeah. That sounds good babe.”

“You know what else sounds good right about now?”

“Mm what?”

“This.”

Octavia undoes the belt of Clarke’s satin blue robe, revealing nothing under. The rock singer slowly kisses and nips her way down the blonde’s chest, taking of Clarke’s large perky breasts into her mouth. Clarke moans at the contact and guides one of Octavia’s hands to where she desperately needs it. Octavia wastes no time, eagerly exploring Clarke’s wet folds and plunging two fingers into her tight hot entrance.

“Shit yes! Right there. Oh my god that’s so good.” Clarke all but mewls, squirming and writhing in her lover’s arms. 

“You like that?” Octavia whispers into her ear, lightly nibbling on the blonde’s earlobe in the process. Octavia quickly adds another finger, curling her fingers to hit Clarke’s g spot every time. The brunette girl’s thumb moves in up and down motions, rubbing Clarke’s clit in the most delicious of ways.

“Ahh fuck! I’m - I’m gonna -” Clarke’s back arches as her whole body stills, her mouth agape in a ‘O’ form. She comes hard and fast around her new girlfriend’s fingers. 

Octavia sucks of Clarke’s essence from her fingers and starts lazily kissing Clarke as she comes down from her post orgasm bliss, allowing the indie singer to taste herself on Octavia’s tongue. A minute or so later, Clarke grabs Octavia and swiftly switches their positions.

“Your turn.”

///

Lexa finishes up for the day early. Nathan Miller, her love interest for the film, and her have great onscreen chemistry so they rarely need to shoot more than one or two retakes. Miller is also an old friend of hers. They’ve been in a few films with each other since Lexa’s early career.

“Hey Lexa! Wait up!”

Always with a smile on his face, Nate runs up to her. 

“Hey Nate. What’s up?”

“I was just wondering if you had plans for tonight? I want you to finally meet Bryan. He’s a great guy Lex. I really like him.”

Lexa smiles at her friend. Bryan is Miller’s new boy toy. Nate tends to be a player but apparently this Bryan guy has really done a number on her friend. She can see it in the way his eyes twinkle when he talks about him. She knows that look all too well because she’s seen it in her own reflection when thinking or speaking about Clarke. Lexa’s smile dissipates a little at the thought of her ex lover. She quickly shakes herself from her thoughts and excitedly responds.

“Well I was planning on binge watching Vice documentaries but I suppose I can fit you into my very busy schedule.” Lexa winks.

“Awesome! Okay so it’s going to be me, you, Bryan, and a couple of his friends. He wants to check out this bar his friends have been raving about. Does that sound good?”

“Yeah sure. Just text me the details.”

“Great. See you later!”

And with that Nate runs off, skipping and smiling. Lexa rarely goes to bars or drinks at all. When she realized Clarke had a problem and got sober, she drank less and less as well. She would occasionally go out and grab a few drinks with coworkers or some friends when Clarke was out of town, but that was once in a blue moon. The last time she was drinking though, she made _the_ biggest mistake of her life. 

_///_

_6 Months Ago_

_Lexa and her costars from the film ‘The Commander’s Admirer’ were out celebrating the final day of filming. The film is a sequel to the film the gave Lexa her first Oscar, ‘The Commander.’ Truthfully, she didn’t even want to take the role, but she signed a contract for two movies and couldn’t back out._

_Costia Greene was her love interest in the film. Greene is a former child star who just had her second big break a couple years ago. Lexa was a huge fan of hers growing up and totally geeked out when they first met. Ever since then, Costia has found Lexa adorable and had her eyes on the green eyed actress, unbeknownst to Lexa._

_Costia ordered the group another round of shots. All of their costars, aside from her and Lexa, were big muscular men with clearly bigger alcohol tolerances. As the night progressed, shot after shot after shot, Costia slowly got closer and touchier with Lexa. Lexa, who hadn’t been this drunk since her 21st birthday, found the contact comforting._

_Her and Clarke have been on shaky ground the past few months. Lexa has been filming at home in New York for the past 6 months while Clarke is on the road. It has been rough on their relationship. It doesn’t help that Luna Rivers is constantly hovering around Clarke while they’re on tour._

_Luna Rivers is a huge insanely popular pop indie singer. Luna contacted Clarke a couple months back and asked the blonde to be her headliner. The blonde excitedly accepted. This is her big break and Lexa is so proud of her. Problem is, Luna is always hitting on Clarke or so Lexa thinks. They have had many little spats over Luna Rivers. Clarke is constantly reminding her that Costia Green is the same way but Lexa balks at the accusation. Lexa is so oblivious it almost hurts._

_One night, after a particularly nasty fight, Clarke went out with Luna and the rest of the band to a bar. The next day it was all over the media and Lexa was fuming. Clarke swore up and down that she didn’t have anything to drink. Lexa was pissed though. Not because of the whole Luna thing either, she was pissed because Clarke risked her sobriety. The blonde was just shy of a year clean._

_The pair made up the next day but Lexa made Clarke promise her, she wouldn’t put herself in situations like that again. Lexa was there during the worst days of Clarke’s addiction. It was terrifying. Clarke almost died from an overdose once. Lexa was the one who found her. It was after that experience that Clarke agreed to go to rehab. Lexa is still haunted of the images of finding Clarke unconscious on their bathroom floor._

_“Another round of shots for the table!” One of her males costars screams out and everyone jeers with him. Lexa downs hers and then chugs some of her beer._

_“Whoa slow down there. You don’t want to be too drunk there. The night has just begun.” Costia slyly slides her arm around Lexa’s waist and whispers, slightly slurring, in her ear. The movement did not go unnoticed by their co stars who wiggle their eyebrows at the two._

_“Are you two playing out that hot love scene from the film right here in the bar?” One of the guys jokingly calls out._

_“Maybe later.” Costia jokes back, causing Lexa to whip her head in her direction._

_“Cos-costia. I’m with Clarke, you know that.”_

_“I know babe. I’m just kidding. Relax sweetie.”_

_Lexa nods and lies her head on Costia’s shoulder. The alcohol is definitely catching up with her. Lexa decides to check her phone to see if Clarke texted her and that’s when she sees it. All over social media there is a picture of Clarke and Luna hugging, looking rather comfortable with another. Lexa goes from shocked to fuming to heartbroken in mere seconds. Clarke promised her she wouldn’t go out with Luna anymore but the picture is clear. They are embracing intimately and it looks as if they are a couple. Lexa feels like she’s suffocating._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_“N-nothing. Excuse me I need to make a call.”_

_Slightly swaying, Lexa makes her way outside the bar and frantically calls Clarke 5 times. Clarke doesn’t pick up so she texted her. Lexa is not one to believe the media but the photo is proof. Luna is caressing Clarke’s cheek and her girlfriend has her eyes closed at the sensation. Luna's forehead is pressed against Clarke's and Lexa's heart breaks. Lexa feels hollow. The actress sits on the curb and starts to cry. She feels her heart shatter in her chest. All she ever had was Clarke and now what does she have? All her old insecurities flood to the surface. She feels completely and utterly alone in a world that only did her right when it let Clarke Griffin walk into her life._

_“Lexa? Are you okay?”_

_Costia sits down next to her and opens her arms for Lexa to fall into her embrace. Lexa shows the picture of Clarke and Luna to Costia._

_“Oh Lexa I’m so sorry. What do you need me to do?” Lexa sniffles and wipes her tears and runny makeup away._

_“Can you just take me home please?”_

_Costia nods and calls them a cab. The cab ride is quiet with Lexa resting her head on Costia’s shoulder. They are both feeling the affects of the multiple shots. With the liquor coursing through her veins, Lexa isn’t thinking clearly. She convinces herself Clarke was cheating on her and is an emotional wreck._

_Costia pays the cabbie and wobbles with Lexa to her and Clarke’s apartment. Lexa offers for Costia to stay in their guest bedroom for the night, seeing as the other actress is drunk as well. Costia enthusiastically accepts. Costia tries to convince Lexa to hang out a bit more but Lexa is just so tired and exhausted. She shows Costia the guest bedroom and gives her some clothes to sleep in, to which Costia enthusiastically accepts._

_Lexa tries calling Clarke again and again. Leaving drunken voicemail after drunken voicemail. Lexa starts to cry again and continues sobbing until her mouth is severely dry from all the tears she shed. Lexa feels like her life just ended. She has only ever loved one person in her whole life. She never had family. Her mother was a horrible, horrible person. She was taken out of her care when she was just a small child. She never had the love of a mother's touch. She only had Clarke. And now Clarke is pressed up against Luna. Lexa tries to cry but there are no more tears, She feels dehydrated and dizzy from all the alcohol coursing through her veins. Lexa reluctantly uncurls herself from the fetal position she is situated in on her and Clarke’s bed and goes to the kitchen to get some water. Costia is already in the kitchen though, raiding her fridge. When Lexa clears her throat, the brunette jumps a little, presumably startled._

_“Oh shit! You scared me.”_

_“I’m sorry. Were you hungry?”_

_“Yeah.” Costia sheepishly replies. “I’m sorry for going through your fridge like this. I crave junk food when I’m drunk. Do you have any?”_

_Lexa shakes her head._

_“I don’t eat junk food. Clarke does. But uh she’s on the road so..”_

_Lexa’s face grows solemn again. Costia pulls her in for a hug._

_“Hey hey it’s okay. She’s insane to even look at Luna when she has you. I mean look at you. God, Lexa you’re stunning.”_

_Lexa releases a watery nervous laugh._

_“Cos stop.”_

_“No I really mean it Lexa. You’re gorgeous.”_

_Lexa slowly pulls herself from Costia’s grip and hesitantly looks into her eyes. All Lexa can see is pure lust and the brown eyed girl licks her lips. Lexa clears her throat and shakes her head. She doesn’t want this. No. She loves Clarke. But Clarke is probably sleeping with that Luna bitch. No. No. She doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want this. She doesn’t -_

_Her thoughts are interrupted when Costia’s lips crash violently into hers. For a minute, Lexa is stunned. Frozen. Is this actually happening? Costia presses her up against the counter, kissing Lexa hard. Lexa has yet to reciprocate though. She can feel one of Costia’s hands tugging at her shirt as she shoves the other beneath the waistband of Lexa’s pajama pants. Lexa moans at the contact and something snaps in her. She does want this. She wants this. She wants to feel something, anything except the unbearable agony she currently feels. She doesn’t want to imagine for one more moment what Luna might be doing to her Clarke._

_Lexa kisses back with equal fervor, trying desperately to shut out images of Clarke and Luna together. She grabs at Costia’s thighs and carries her across the living room into the guest bedroom. Throughout the very brief encounter, Lexa can’t seem to get images of blue eyes and blonde hair out of her head as she desperately ruts into her moaning brown eyed costar._

/// __

__Lexa shakes her head furiously, pretending for a second that if she tries hard enough she can erase that night. She was fucking dumb. How could she think Clarke would ever cheat on her? Even if she did, what Lexa did wasn’t okay. What Lexa did was wrong on so many levels._ _

__Lexa woke up confused and madly hungover. Clarke called her back first thing in the morning. The blonde fell asleep around 10 p.m. and her phone was on silent. Lexa had the worst hangover of her life. Clarke quickly explained to her that Luna was hugging her but not for the reasons Lexa so easily assumed. Clarke told Lexa that Luna asked her to come to a bar with her and the band but she politely refused. When Luna asked why, Clarke told her the truth and they got to talking about Clarke’s addiction. Luna told her about how her father died of an heroin overdose when she was 16. Luna hugged her and commended her for how strong she is. Clarke teared up and Luna wiped her few tears away. The media took a picture at that moment, and it looked like Luna was caressing her cheek like a girlfriend would. Clarke didn’t even know about the picture until this morning and started to apologize profusely to her girlfriend. Lexa started to cry hysterically and told her not to apologize._ _

__Lexa flew to L.A. later that day to talk to Clarke in person. She confessed to sleeping with Costia and begged for the blonde’s forgiveness. Clarke broke down and freaked out, leaving a distraught deeply remorseful Lexa in her wake._ _

__Lexa is distracted from thoughts about her breakup with her soulmate when she gets a text from Anya about Clarke’s new EP ‘White Powder’ which has just been released as well as a music video for one of her new songs ‘Betrayal.’ Fuck this definitely is not good._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so this fic is going to be VERY ANGSTY. Like seriously a hell of a lot of angst is coming their way. The characters are OC too (I mean obviously cause I could never imagine canon Lexa cheating). Point is, that these characters are not perfect and I'm writing them so. They're imperfect so be ready so mistakes and missteps ahead. 
> 
> Oh and btw this chapter is by no means trying to excuse Lexa's behavior. Just figured I'd throw that out there.
> 
> Also, the smut with other people..that won't happen again I promise. I know most don't like it so I'm sorry for that haha. I'll do a poll though, if you want me to slightly edit this chapter I can. I usually don't like to change the story based on comments BUT the smut really doesn't affect the plot. So if this upsets y'all considerably, I can change it. Just let me know.
> 
> Thank you for all your comments and kudos :)


	3. Question if I should continue?

So I have a question for y'all. When I started writing this months ago, I didn't realize how passionate the comment section would get lol. I am debating whether or not I should continue this fic. what does everyone think? Should I? And if so, what direction would y'all like to see the story go?

I have a plot in mind for this story but for once, I'm actually open to ideas. I'm all ears. Let me know what ya think in the comment section! :)

(Also, I promise if I do continue, there will be NO smut unless it's Clexa smut. I know some people were upset about Chapter 2).


	4. Her Warm Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa goes out for drinks with Miller and his friends. Clarke goes out partying with The Arkers. Flashbacks too!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after reading all your lovely comments, I decided to continue with the fic. I lost motivation to do so for months because of all the comments but then I realized that this is a fic that deserves to be written. Life isn't perfect. It's messy and beautiful and tragic. That's reason I started writing. I want to show the many facets of life and not just the pretty ones. 
> 
> Trigger Warning : Mentions of alcoholism and drug addiction. Mentions of abuse. Mentions of bullying. Mentions of minor past character death.
> 
> Just so you know, there will be no smut with others (and if I change my mind on that, I will give a warning). It was important to show how far the two fell and how hard a battle it is going to be to find each other again. I'm not saying there won't be more Octavia or others but it won't be stated in detail.

Lexa goes home and throws all her clothes off and hops into the shower. The steam and hot water soothes the aches and kinks of her body after a long day at work. All those stunts are really kicking her ass (especially since she’s too stubborn to have a stunt double).

Lexa gets out of the shower and looks at the time. Shit. She’s going to be late to meet Miller and his new boyfriend. She throws on a pair of black slacks and her favorite classic black blouse. She applies some makeup in the back of her bumpy uber ride, some eyeliner and a smokey eye. Lexa has never been one for makeup and fancy clothes. She’s very simple in her tastes. Clarke was always the showy one in their relationship. Thoughts of blue eyes and blonde hair invade her mind and she tries desperately ignore the pull of them.

She enters the bar that Miller sent her the address to. It’s one of those speakeasy bars where you need a password to get in. Apparently the password is based on celebrity gossip and changes everyday. Miller texts her and says the password for tonight is “clexa.” He apologizes and offers for them to move to a different bar but she says it’s okay.

“Of fucking course.” She mumbles under her breath and says her and her ex’s ship name before entering into the bar. The mistakes of her past will never leave her heart but it seems to never leave the public eye either. She supposes this will be her punishment. She will always be stared in the face with the one precious thing in her life and how she lost her the second she lost herself.

For a place that’s supposed to be a secret, the bar is pretty big and packed. Lexa walks into the bar to see a Miller with a large group laughing and drinking. She tries to shake Clarke from her mind despite the fact that no matter where she goes she’s haunted by the biggest mistake of her life.

“Hey Lexa! Over here.” Miller screams out and she approaches with a timid smile on her face.

"Hey Lex. This is Bryan.” Lexa smiles at the dark haired man with a boyish smile. He seems sweet and maybe a little shy, a stark contrast from the type of guys Miller usually dates.

“It’s nice to meet to you.” He politely says, obviously nervous to meet one of Nate's close friends.

“You too. Miller won’t shut up about how amazing you are.” Lexa shakes his hand and he smiles wide. Lexa smiles and looks around the table at the faces. One in particular looks awfully familiar. 

“Oh I’m sorry, how rude of me. Lexa these are my friends Kyle Farber, Jasper Jordan, Trevor Stewarts, And Bellamy Blake.”

Fuck. Of course. Bellamy Blake as in Octavia Blake’s older brother. As in the brother of her ex girlfriend’s new girlfriend. I guess it’s true when they say everyone in Hollywood is connected. Rumour has it the Blake siblings are wild. She hopes Clarke is ok being around them and maintaining her sobriety. She heard rumors Clarke has fallen off the wagon but she just doesn't want to believe them. She shudders when she thinks of that horrible night where Clarke was sprawled on their old apartment's bathroom floor, barely breathing. She needs Clarke to be safe or else she won't survive. She needs her to be okay.

“Yeah I know you. You’re Lexa Woods. My little sister has mentioned you before.” Lexa is broken out of her worrisome thoughts when she hears the ever so cocky older Blake speak. Bellamy sneers and shoots her a knowing smirk. So he really is an asshole.

Lexa politely smiles and goes to the bar for a drink. This is going to be a long night.

///

Octavia and Clarke make their way to the club and meet up with the rest of their bandmates Ontari Snow, John Murphy, and Roan Winters minus Octavia’s brother Bellamy.

“Where’s Bell?” Clarke asks as they make way to the VIP section.

“We are going to meet up with him later. He’s at some speakeasy bar with some people he knows from college. I figure we will stay here until we get bored and go there.” Octavia says casually. The conversation is long forgotten as they get to their reserved table and start downing alcohol like nobody’s business.

A few hours later, Clarke and Octavia are on the dance floor grinding and swaying their hips. Ontari and Roan are on the prowl for someone to bring home for the night and Murphy is in the corner making out with his on again off again girlfriend Emori. They were taking a break, but then she winded up also being at this club and one thing led to another.

“Let’s get another shot.” Octavia says and Clarke stumbles a bit but follows her lead. When they get to the bar, Octavia finally looks at her phone for the first time tonight. 

“Holy shit.” Octavia mumbles low enough that Clarke can’t hear her over the loud music blasting in their ears. Bellamy texted his little sister that he’s out drinking with the one and only Lexa Woods. Octavia’s drunken mind thinks it’s a good idea to pay the girl who broke her girlfriend’s heart a visit. She texts Bellamy to stay put and that The Arkers are coming to them.

“Baby, I’m bored of this club. Let’s go to that other bar.” Octavia presses up close to Clarke and the blonde’s brain turns to much.

“Whatever you want.” Clarke mumbles before Octavia takes her bottom lip in between her own lips. They kiss heatedly for a few minutes before the bartender brings them their shots and they down them like pros.

It’s a bit of a struggle, but Octavia is able to get all the people of her band together so they can go to the other bar. They go outside and of course, there is paparrazi. Clarke looks drunk and so does the rest of them. It wouldn't be the first time The Arkers are front cover news because of their drunken escapades. But it would be a first time for Clarke. Lexa always used to protect her whenever she got out of hand. The cameras flash in their face as they hop into a limo and make their way to the bar.

///

Lexa is not having a fun night. Nate’s new boyfriend is lovely and so are his friends, except Bellamy Blake. Bellamy just keeps smirking at her like he knows something she doesn’t know. She wants to punch that smug look right off his pretty boy face.

“Blake, how’s your sister? She was always so hot.” Jasper asks and it’s the first mention of Octavia all night. She’s sure by the way Bryan and Miller’s eyes widen then meet hers in sheer panic that they didn’t realize the connection either until this very moment. Bellamy just smirks and looks at Lexa.

“She’s great. She’s dating this sweet girl. I actually think Lexa knows her.” Bellamy says and Bryan shoots him a death glare.

“Really? How do you know her Lexa?” Jasper asks goofily and unknowingly.

“Octavia is dating my ex girlfriend. She’s dating Clarke.” Lexa calmly supplies. She hates to reducing Clarke to her 'ex girlfriend' when she's still so much more to her even to this day. She's not going to reveal that to a table of strangers though. The whole table goes silent. Nate looks over to her worriedly.

“Lexa, I had no idea.” Nate starts apologizing but Lexa smiles lightly at him and waves him off.

“It’s okay. Clarke is allowed to do as she pleases.” Lexa looks back at the smirking douche that is Bellamy Blake. It’s an intense staredown until his phone rings a second later.

“Hey. Oh yeah the password is ‘clexa.’ Ha, I know right. Old news.” Bellamy laughs into the phone and suddenly Lexa is worried. Who is coming into the bar right now?

“Bell, come on man. Give it a rest.” Bryan says and Bellamy just scoffs.

“I’m not doing anything. Oh but by the way, I invited some friends. They should be here in any second.” 

Lexa’s calm exterior falters and her heart stops for a second. Is...is Clarke coming? Does Clarke know she’s here? Of course not, Clarke would never come if she knew. They must not have told her. What manipulating assholes.

“I..e-excuse me for a minute.” Lexa stutters out, grabbing her purse and attempting to flee to cry in the shitty small bar bathroom.

She’s almost at the bathroom when someone stumbles into her and pours their drink all over her white shirt. She looks up annoyingly and that’s when she makes eye contact with the love of her life once more. That’s when she makes eye contact with Clarke Griffin.

“Lexa?” Clarke’s eyes widen like saucers. Lexa takes in her appearance. She’s in a tight dress, ample cleavage showing. Her makeup is done nicely, if anything it’s darker than Lexa’s used to, and it’s a little smudged from a night of partying. Clarke goes from surprise to angry to emotionally drained in thirty seconds flat.

“Clarke.” Lexa breathes out. She has to restrain herself from hugging the girl she loves so much. The Clarke in front of her looks so different than the Clarke she knew. Her hair is shorter and the edges are pink. She has a few more cartilage piercings now too. Clarke’s eyes look so cold. They’re so icy, it makes Lexa shiver. Lexa thinks about how warm Clarke’s eyes used to be, so full of love. She can’t help but wish for those times back.

///

_About 6 Years Ago_

__

_“Lex, stop! Lex, you’re tickling me. I’m gonna pee if you d-don’t stop.” Clarke giggles hard as Lexa tackles on the small bed of her dingy apartment. They’ve been dating for four months now and Lexa couldn’t be happier. A few minutes ago, Clarke started arguing that pancakes are better than waffles. Lexa was baffled and playfully outraged, so outraged she just had to lesson excessively tickle the giggling blonde._

_Lexa eventually stops tickling Clarke. The blonde girl underneath her is smiling, her cheeks flush red while she tries to catch her breath. She looks ethereal, like a goddess. Clarke is her goddess. Lexa just wants to worship her. It’s in this moment that Lexa finally has the courage to say the three words that have been on her mind since the first moment she saw the blonde singing in that choir room._

_“I love you.” Lexa says brightly. Clarke stops laughing at looks at her with such awe in her eyes. Clarke and Lexa have hard lives. And in difficult lives, you live your life with everything heightened. Your pain is heightened. Your walls around your heart are heightened. And it anyone is to break down those walls, your love is heightened. Lexa and Clarke love each other like they are one another’s life rafts in a storm. And that’s exactly what they are. They need each other. They survive off the other’s love. They don’t know how they lived a day without._

_“I love you too.” Clarke’s voice is soft and it makes Lexa melt. Lexa cradles Clarke’s face in her hands and tenderly kisses her. Clarke’s kisses always fill Lexa up with love. Lexa just can’t get enough of Clarke’s lips. They taste like the blonde’s cotton candy chapstick. Lexa gently probes her tongue in Clarke’s mouth and Clarke reciprocates the motion. Clarke sighs in pleasure and runs her hands through Lexa’s curly tresses._

_The lovers kiss like that for a while, delicate and vulnerable. They hold one another's hearts in their hands. They are baring their souls. Clarke breaks the kiss when the need for oxygen finally wins out. While they are catching their breath, Clarke sweetly removes Lexa’s large dorky glasses from her face and leans over to put them on the nightstand. Lexa bites her lip and smiles, happy to know that they will still be kissing for quite some time. Kissing Clarke is like an addiction for Lexa. Lexa loves spending time with Clarke but kissing her has to be one of her favorite pastimes. She can’t help but try to elicit sinful sounds from Clarke. Like when she kisses Clarke on the collarbone, the blonde shivers. And when she sucks on just that right spot on her neck, Clarke moans out in surprise. Lexa loves kissing Clarke._

_Clarke’s hands roam Lexa’s backside, settling on her butt. Lexa smiles into the kiss and pushes her body closer to Clarke’s. Lexa presses into Clarke and the blonde massages her ass. Lexa sighs into the kiss and starting moving on top of the singer. The makeout session becomes heated quickly after that. Lexa’s bulge grows with her grinding movements and Clarke loves it. They haven’t fully seen each other naked yet. They have only gotten down to Lexa in her bra and jeans and Clarke in her bra and panties. Lexa wanted to wait and Clarke wholeheartedly respected her choice._

_They’re both virgins. Lexa was Clarke's first kiss. Lexa has kissed girls in the past, but not makeout sessions like she has with Clarke. They are both inexperienced and young and in the passionate throes of their first love. Lexa feels self conscious about her body after all the years all bullying she endured in the foster system. Lexa’s heart was too kind for such a harsh world. Clarke has been helping Lexa gain confidence in herself again, emotionally and physically. Lexa finally feels ready to take the next step with Clarke._

_Slowly and nervously, Lexa peels off her cardigan. She’s in just her tank top and Clarke smiles up at her. Clarke lifts off Lexa’s tank top before taking off her own sweater. This is usual for them. Lexa’s hands are brave and they twitch to undo Clarke’s bra. Lexa has a lustful yet loving gaze directed at Clarke. The blonde blushes and Lexa kisses her newly reddening cheeks._

_“Can I see more of you? Lexa whispers, looking down at Clarke nervously. Clarke chews on her lip for a second before nodding. She wants to be close to Lexa but it’s also very scary being exposed fully for the first time. It’s nerve wracking even if you do want to have sex...and believe me, Clarke really wants to have sex. She really wants her first time to be with Lexa. She wants Lexa to be her one and only and vice versa._

_Lexa’s eyes widen at the sight of Clarke’s breasts. Clarke takes a deep breath as she watches Lexa admire her figure. Lexa can tell Clarke is nervous. She smiles at her and brings her lips to the singer’s palm._

_“You’re beautiful.” Lexa murmurs onto the skin of Clarke’s palm. Clarke blushes and Lexa pushes the blonde’s messy hair out of her face. She kisses Clarke’s forehead, then her cheeks, then the corner of her mouth, then her jaw, her neck, her collarbone, the top of her breasts, her nipples. Clarke shudders as soon as Lexa’s tongue makes gentle exploratory strides against one of her hardening nipples. Lexa’s other hand massages her other breast and Clarke feels an ache in her lower core that she never has experienced before._

_Clarke gasps and Lexa releases her breast and looks at her with a curious smile. “I never thought it would feel that good.” Lexa blushes and lightly laughs. She looks into Clarke’s eyes and they convey so much love, so much hope. All Lexa could ask for in this lifetime is to drown in those big beautiful eyes for the rest of her life._

_“I want to make love to you.” Lexa hoarsely yet oh so tenderly says, her voice so thick with want and need. Clarke looks shocked and first but soon enough her expression shows only love and affection._

_“You’re sure you’re ready love?” Clarke says just above a whisper. She knows how self conscious Lexa is. She knows how unfair her life has been. And she knows how many ignorant assholes she has had to deal with in her life. Clarke would never rush her. She wants to nurture their love and let it soar to infinite heights. Clarke wants to take this insanely intimate step with Lexa but only when Lexa is fully ready._

_“You make me feel so loved.” Lexa gently says as she traces Clarke’s jaw. “I never thought I’d get that. You’ve changed my life, Clarke Eliza Griffin. You’ve given me hope. You’ve given me comfort. You’ve given me a home.” A few tears falls from Lexa’s eyes but she shakes them away. “These are happy tears I swear.” Lexa laughs a little and Clarke feels her eyes watering as well. “You’re crying.” Lexa states the obvious before leaning down to kiss Clarke’s few stray tears away._

_“Well shit, I guess mine are happy tears too.” Clarke releases a watery chuckle and Lexa smiles. It’s in this moment that Clarke realizes Lexa is ready for this next step too._

_“You are my heart, Lexa Woods. You make me feel safe in a world that has never speared me any kindness. I see you’ve been through similar struggles. I saw that pain in your eyes the first second I met you. I’ve been trying to rid your eyes of that pain since then and I will continue to do so as long as you’ll have me.” Clarke’s voice is velvety smooth and Lexa feels the walls around her heart softening more and more._

_“I love you.” Lexa says with such conviction behind it. She takes off her own bra. “I love you.” Clarke kisses down her chest and Lexa whimpers at the sensation. “I love you.” Both of their jeans and underwear are shed. “I love you.” After more kisses and intimate touches, Lexa pushes her length into Clarke. Both of their virginities are taken in that moment, but not their innocence._

_No, their innocence was taken away when Clarke’s walked into her house to find her father stone cold on the floor and her mother shooting up on the couch, when her foster brothers would slap her because she didn’t want to touch them. Their innocence was taken away when Lexa was five and her mother beat her until she could barely cry out for the neighbor in the apartment next door, when Lexa was put into a foster care home where nobody said any kind words to her. Their innocence may be gone, but their love for each other pushes them forward. And that’s why Clarke’s eyes are still so bright and full of love and life. That’s why Lexa still smiles. Because despite all the shit they have been through, the shit that nobody should have to go through, they have each other. They are one another’s anchors. They have shown each other the beauty in humanity, the beauty in loving someone, the beauty in giving yourself over to another. Faith in the little joys of life have been restored._

_Lexa stares into Clarke’s big blue eyes for as long as she can. She absorbs her love through them. Lexa goes slow. Her member pushes in and out of Clarke. The blonde has never felt so full and the brunette has never felt something so tight. The emotions of this moment are almost too much. Lexa looks at Clarke’s warm eyes and knows she’s home._

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

///

But Clarke’s eyes are no longer warm. They no longer look at Lexa like she’s the world. Clarke looks tired and broken. Because she had that all consuming love that authors itch to transcribe stories about on paper. The love that filmmakers crave to capture to prove to the world that it does in fact exist. It’s a unicorn. To many, it’s a myth, a fantasy even. It’s as elusive as leprechauns or the monsters under a child’s bed. To the cynics, it doesn’t exist. To the hopeless romantics, it’s a lifelong goal. 

But to Clarke, that kind of love is a stinging reminder of what she once possessed. Love has burned her. She saw how a wife’s love can be tainted by the dirty syringes of her dark addictions. She saw her mother choose drugs over her father time and time again. She saw her mother drag her Dad down with her. Clarke swore to never love after that. But on a warm fall day, her eyes fell on a girl who also roamed the streets lost. She fell for the soft hearted girl with a bleeding heart. She thought that she could give her heart over to her. Her heart ended up crushed, broken and bleeding too.

So her eyes are empty. Her eyes are ghosts, hollow and aching for a past that only hurts her more to think about. And now her eyes are fixed on the same girl. Clarke wants to fall into Lexa’s embrace. Her life has been so cold without her. Lexa was her only light and she was Lexa’s. She knows that times were hard but she still doesn’t understand how Lexa could cheat. Whenever she thinks about it, it makes her want to scream. Her Lexa. Her beautiful gorgeous Lexa. 

Lexa was always the kind one. Lexa wanted to start fostering kids in a few years. She wanted to adopt. She wanted to take off once they got married and spend a year volunteering across the globe with Clarke by her side. Lexa made her want to be better. Without her, she no longer knows who she is. They had so many plans and now it's all gone. It hurts too much to see her. Because all she wants to do is drown in her love for her. She doesn’t know how to move past the betrayal. She doesn’t know how to look Lexa in the eyes anymore. It used to be their favorite thing to do too. They adored looking into one another’s eyes. Their love was so clear in the swirls of sapphire and emerald. 

What Clarke has yet to realize though, is that that same love is still there. Only now, it is hidden under pain and regret. Maybe one day they can sift through the past and find footing for a future. But for right now, Clarke is still so angry. And she’s tired of being so angry. She wants to escape into a void and she can’t do so when Lexa is looking at her with those eyes. Clarke throws her drink in Lexa’s face and hurries off to the bathroom where nobody can see her tears. She doesn’t cry in front of anyone anymore. And her tears are no longer happy like they once were when Lexa and her made love for the first time. 

Lexa splutters the drink out as most of it landed on her face and in her mouth. She can taste the strong presence of liquor and her stomach clenches. It’s one thing to know Clarke is drinking again, it’s another to taste it on your own lips. Lexa feels her heart shatter. She feels as if she drove Clarke here. She broke her. Clarke gave Lexa her mind, body, and soul. Lexa crushed her. There is no excuse. There is no going back. There is only time. There is only action. All there is left now are the shadows of her past mistakes and her never failing unconditional love for the blonde. 

Clarke may never forgive her. She knows that. But she refuses to let Clarke forget the beauty in love. She refuses to let Clarke suffocate in a world of drugs and alcohol. She refuses to see the light in Clarke’s eyes snuffed out forever. Lexa will always be in Clarke's corner. She will always root for her. She won't let her down ever again.

And it may seem impossible now, but both of their eyes will one day have light again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started this fic off letting you all know that this isn't going to be all sunshine and rainbows. There will be some real pain explored here. These two girls have been through so much pain. I am one of those people who likes to see the better in people. Lexa made a HUGE mistake, yes. But she's not a bad person so try not to label her as one. Give her a chance to redeem herself. Be open minded. 
> 
> You don't know the full story yet. You don't know all that has happened and will happen. If it's too much for you to continue, I understand completely. Don't read if it upsets you or triggers you. But if you do decide to continue reading, I hope you enjoy the journey of this story. 
> 
> A commentor Gunther said it best: "I would let it be a piece about two lost souls that found each other and then got lost somewhere along the way. Make it about them finding their way back to each other again." This is a story about second chances. It might not come right away or anytime soon, but there will be a second chance for both of them.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story. I liked writing this chapter. Lexa cheated but she will never stop loving Clarke. I know it's hard for some people to accept that Lexa cheated. Many have said it's too OC but in my fic it happened. Lexa has a different life than the one in the TV show.
> 
> I appreciate all comments and kudos!


	5. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa confrontation. Flashbacks to Clarke's addiction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes.
> 
> Trigger Warning : Alcohol and Drug Addiction.

Clarke runs into the bathroom and starts crying hysterically. She can’t keep it in. She hates her emotions. Why do you think she drowns her sorrow in alcohol? Clarke can’t believe she just saw Lexa. Why is she here? All these feelings are flooding back. But the love she may still feel is tainted by fury and bitterness.

Clarke picks herself up off the dirty floor and pushes past the crowd straight to the bar.

“Give me the strongest thing you got. Don’t be afraid to have a heavy hand. And make it a double.” Clarke calls out to the bartender and he nods. She grabs the tall drink and chugs it. She’s going to need more but she’ll wait until this hits her first. 

Clarke stumbles over to the table and Nate looks at her worriedly. Lexa texted him a minute ago that she ran into Clarke and she was going home. Nate knows Clarke. They used to spend a lot of time together. But Nate was Lexa’s close friend so when Lexa and Clarke broke up, he didn’t see much of Clarke anymore. It’s not like anyone told him to choose a side, it’s just what happened. Looking at Clarke now though, he regrets not reaching out.

“Hey Clarke. How have you been?” Nate asks with a worried smile on his face.

“Just great.” She slurs out sarcastically. Clarke directs her attention to Bellamy and smiles at him. “Bell, where issss Tavi?” Her eyes are lidded and she’s definitely drunk. She was drunk at the other club so just imagine how intoxicated she is now.

“She went out for a smoke.” Bell said and Clarke fake pouted. 

“Can I bum a cig?” She asks Bell and he chuckles.

“Of course princess. I’ll come out with you.” Bell wraps his arms around Clarke to steady her and they make their way outside. Nate shakes his head. Clarke didn’t smoke cigarettes when she was with Lexa. He knows Clarke has problems with alcohol and drugs. He just hopes she isn’t relapsing with drugs.

///

“Hey if it isn’t fucking Lexa Woods! Running away like a little bitch so soon?” Octavia slurs and she lights her cigarette. Lexa has tears streaming down her face and she’s trying to get out of there as quick as possible. Of course she has to run into her ex’s new girlfriend.

“Excuse me?” Lexa wipes away her tears and her face turns stoic. She’s dealt with bullies all her life and Octavia Blake is definitely one.

“You know you let the best thing of your life slip through your grubby little fingersss. And now s-she isssss mine. And I treat her better than you ever...you ever did.” Octavia is drunk, Lexa can deduce that much. She knows fighting with a drunk woman isn’t going to help anyone, but she just can’t help it. How is she helping Clarke?

“You’re treating her better.” Lexa sarcastically says and bitterly chuckles. “I made a horrible fucking mistake. I broke Clarke’s trust and our love. I will never stop paying for it. But you Mrs. Blake,” Lexa steps closer and Octavia steps away, showing that she is really just all talk. “You are aiding her alcohol and drug problems. Clarke is an addict. Don’t you know that? You’re going to get her killed with your bullshit.” Lexa harshly spats. “And I’m not going to let that happen.”

Octavia chuckles. “Give me a break with that shit. Clarke is a grown ass woman. Nobody is shoving drinks in her mouth. But let me tell you, what a great mouth she has.” Octavia laughs and Lexa is this close to smacking her straight across the face when Clarke and Bellamy Blake walk outside. Clarke’s smile immediately falls when she sees Lexa.

“What the fuck..” Clarke mumbles under her breath. She tries to run back inside but Bellamy keeps his hold on her.

“Don’t worry princess. I got you.” He says with a smug grin on his face.

“Clarke, baby, are you okay?” Octavia’s tone automatically changes and Lexa gets whiplash from the difference. Octavia goes up to Clarke and takes her from Bellamy’s arms. “Thanks Bell. I got her.” Clarke holds onto Octavia but her eyes don’t leave Lexa’s.

“Clarke..” Lexa quietly says. “Please just let me take you home or to Raven’s.” Lexa pleads and Clarke’s eyes look away from her.

“Lex, I think it’s best if you leave.” Clarke says shakily.

“Clarke, I’m worried.” Lexa looks between Octavia and Bellamy. Clarke doesn’t even realize how deep she is barrelling into her addiction. “Please..I am begging you to talk to me. Just for one minute, me and you. I’ll leave after I promise.”

Clarke looks hesitant. Octavia cuts in for her though. “Absolutely not. You broke her heart. You’ve got some nerve showing up here.” 

“Please.” Lexa ignores her and looks at Clarke. Clarke bites her lip and frowns.

“One minute.” Clarke shakily says. Octavia and Bellamy look like they are going to protest but Clarke starts talking before they can get a word in. “Guys, I got this. Please go inside. I’ll be there in a minute. Please just go in. I promise I’m not leaving with her.” Octavia scowls and Bellamy shakes his head but they both reluctantly go inside.

Clarke stumbles over to where Lexa is and Lexa catches her before she falls. Clarke quickly moves out of her embrace and leans against the wall. Everything is spinning and she’s been trying really hard to act sober since coming outside and seeing Lexa. She doesn’t want her to see her drunk like this. It just brings up bad memories.

_4.5 Years Ago_

_Lexa is at home asleep when she hears the phone ring. She looks at Clarke’s side of the bed and realizes it’s empty. Lexa feels her body overcome with worry. This is the third night Clarke hasn’t come home before 4am. Lexa grabs her phone and answers it._

_“Hello? Clarke?” Lexa worriedly says._

_“H-hi baby.” Clarke hiccups and slurs. She doesn’t even know how she got to this last bar. She was with some singers from her record label. But now she’s so drunk and she’s with a group of girls she met when her friends left to go home. She just wants her Lexa. “I misssss you.” Lexa can hear the pout in Clarke’s voice over the loud thumping of the music in whatever bar she’s at. “I don’t feel good baby.”_

_“Where are you? I’ll come get you.” Lexa anxiously says. Clarke sounds worse off than she has been lately._

_“A-azgeda. Dinah, stop.” Clarke chuckles and Lexa raises her eyebrows._

_“Baby, who’s Dinah?” Lexa asks cautiously._

_“‘inahs my friend.” Clarke slurs and Lexa is starting to get really nervous._

_“Okay honey, I’m on my way. Please don’t drink anymore. Get some water. I’ll be there soon.” Lexa hurriedly says as she throws on jeans and a sweatshirt and searches for her keys._

_“Love you.” Clarke mumbles._

_“I love you too.” Lexa says before hanging up the phone and speeding to the club._

_Lexa gets to the club at 3am and it's still so crowded. How are these people out so late? Lexa swears she sounds so old. She searches through the crowd and asks the bartender if he saw the girl in her phone wallpaper. The guy nods and says remembers cause she has a nice rack. Lexa bites her lip to the point where she’s almost drawing blood. The bartender points her to a VIP table and Lexa hurries off without saying thank you to the rude man._

_Clarke is hanging like a monkey on this Dinah person. She looks pale and Lexa wants to punch whoever kept serving her when she was obviously way too intoxicated._

_“Clarke.” Lexa says and Clarke barely moves. Lexa starts to get really nervous. This isn’t like usual nights when Clarke walks in plastered. Clarke is in and out of consciousness now._

_“Hey, it’s hot shot actress Lexa Woods! Why don’t you go find your own girl for the night? Clarke won’t mind if you do. She’s happy just where she is.” Dinah snaps and Lexa clenches her jaw._

_“Get your fucking hands off my girlfriend.” Lexa growls and Dinah’s eyes widen. Clarke mumbles Lexa’s name and the brunette immediately goes to gently pick her up. Clarke sighs and nuzzles into her neck. “Don’t ever contact her, do you hear me?!” Lexa storms off through the back door to her car. She puts Clarke down in the front passenger seat and buckles her in. She tenderly pushes her hair behind her ears and drives home as quickly and safely as she can. Lexa carries her up the stairs and puts her on the couch._

_“Clarke, can you hear me?” Lexa softly says. “Klark.” Lexa shakes her slightly. Clarke’s eyes flutter open but they’re unfocused._

_“Mm Lex. I’m gonna throw up.” Clarke mumbles and Lexa runs to get a bucket. She pulls back Clarke’s hair as the girl vomits up all the vodka and gin in her system._

_“I’m sorry.” Clarke mumbles in between throwing up._

_“Shh. Baby, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.” Lexa holds her close once she’s all finished, not caring if the throw up on Clarke’s clothes gets on her own._

_“I’m sorry.” Clarke slurs again, retreating into Lexa’s warm loving embrace._

_“Let’s clean you up okay? Then you can sleep.” Lexa gently says. “Can you walk?”_

_Clarke nods and Lexa wraps her arms around her waist. They get to the bathroom and Lexa peels off Clarke’s clothes. She leaves on her own sports bra and boxers on but takes off her sweatshirt and pants. Clarke heavily leans on her as Lexa’s gently washes Clarke’s body with soap. Once Clarke has the stench of alcohol and vomit off of her, Lexa grabs a towel and dries Clarke’s body. She gives Clarke a glass of water to drink. Then she helps her girlfriend into some underwear and a baggy shirt and rolls Clarke onto her side. Lexa stays up the rest of the night watching Clarke, worried and desperately thinking of ways to help her girlfriend battle her addiction._

_What Lexa didn’t know was that this was the first night Clarke tried drugs too. She snorted two lines of coke in the club bathroom. It was the start of a very slippery slope for Clarke and it wouldn’t be the first or last time that Lexa stayed up all night worried sick about her girlfriend._

///

“Clarke, listen to me. Alcohol and drugs are only a temporary fix. I know you’re trying to drown your pain and I know I’m mostly to blame for this relapse but please please I beg you not to do this to yourself. Clarke, these people you’re with are addicts too. They don’t know what’s good for themselves and they certainly don’t know what’s good for you. Please, let me take you home. I can call Dr. Kane and Dr. Indra at the rehab center you liked. They took good care of you remember? Clarke, you’re life is so much more than this.” Lexa shakily says. It’s hurting her heart to see Clarke like this yet again.

“It’s not your problem anymore Lex.” Clarke mumbles with her eyes closed, trying to keep it together. Luckily, there are no reporters out here because this would be a huge story. Clarke Griffin back to her partying ways having a heated conversation with her oh so famous ex Lexa Woods.

“I will always be here for you. I never stopped caring Clarke.” Lexa says softly.

“Could have fooled me when you slept with your costar for that shitty movie.” Clarke slurs and Lexa gets ready to catch her if she falls again. The words that leave Clarke’s mouth sting both of them.

“As much as I pray for it everyday, I can never undo that night. I know you’re tired of hearing my apologies, but I am so sorry. I broke your trust and your heart. But I’m not here to win you back.” Lexa says truthfully and Clarke’s eyes open. She was expecting Lexa to say she still wants her but to hear that she doesn’t breaks her even more.

“I know that’s not possible..at least not now. I don’t deserve you. I’m here right now because I refuse to let you self destruct like this. I need you to fight for yourself. I can’t do it alone. I need you to want this too.” Lexa says and Clarke’s bottom lip trembles. She’s scared of the person she’s turning into. But she doesn’t know how to stop. She doesn’t even know if she wants to.

“It’s not that easy Lex. You don’t understand.” Clarke sucks in a shaky breath. In the morning, she’ll hate herself for telling Lexa all these things. But right now she’s vulnerable and sad. She wants her old life back but it doesn’t exist anymore.

“Tell me. Tell me what you’re feeling and I’ll listen.” Lexa gently says, fighting the urge to cup Clarke’s cheeks.

“I miss you.” Clarke says it and a hundred pound weight is lifted off her shoulders. “I miss you but I fucking hate you.” Clarke shoves at Lexa’s shoulders and Lexa lets her. “You cheated on me. I know I did some fucked up shit when I was using but I never did that. You cheated. And I still don’t know why. I still don’t know what I did to make you believe I would ever cheat with Luna. I don’t know why I ever met you. I regret kissing you for the first time under the bleachers. I regret loving you.”

Lexa sucks in a shaky breath and releases a choked sob. Her hand flies to her mouth in an effort to stop her from hyperventilating. She can’t stop the tears. Clarke is drunk and she doesn’t know what she’s saying. But she just said she regrets loving her. Lexa can’t feel anything right now but searing pain.

“Clarke, you don’t mean that.” Lexa shakily says, her heart breaking. Clarke bites her lip and she deflates.

“I know.” Clarke defeatedly says. “I could never regret you, but I wish I could. It’d make this pain constantly in my chest easier if I didn’t love you.”

Lexa notices that Clarke says ‘love’ and not ‘loved.’ But she also knows that love isn’t enough sometimes. Clarke stumbles and Lexa catches her again, only this time Clarke’s sleeve pushes up a little and Lexa sees the fresh track marks.

“Clarke, no.” Lexa gasps out. Clarke looks down guiltily. Lexa couldn’t believe her eyes. Clarke didn’t shoot up. She’s just didn’t. Lexa can feel her heartbeat in her eyes and her palms are all sweaty. She might pass out just from learning this. She didn’t realize it had gotten this bad.

“When did this start?” Lexa quietly said, afraid that if she made her voice any louder Clarke would run away or yell at her.

“About two months ago.” Clarke mumbles and rolls her sleeve back down. “Look I appreciate the concern, I really do. But it’s none of your business what I do with my life. You made sure of that.” Clarke bites out. She hates that Lexa just saw that. It makes her feel ashamed for some reason. She just wants to scream on the top of her lungs right now but she’ll settle for a shot instead. She needs to get out of here. The emotions are too much. She can’t cope with them.

“Clarke..please. If you don’t want my help, that’s fine. But you do need help.” Lexa braces herself for the slap. She knows what she’s about to say will hurt Clarke but she’s hoping it will also give her a reality check. “Your father wouldn’t want to see you like this.” And instead a slap, Clarke shoves Lexa hard. If Lexa wasn’t so strong, she would have fallen on the floor from the sheer anger in it.

“How could you even say that..” Clarke shakes her head and starts to walk off.

“You know it’s true. He wanted so much more for you.”

“DON’T ACT LIKE YOU KNEW HIM!” Clarke screams in Lexa’s face. “You just knew the broken girl he left behind! Newsflash, I never got fixed. I’m still that broken girl. Only know I’ve learned that love is weakness.” Clarke spats out. She’s getting angrier by the second. She’s angry that Lexa saw those marks and she’s angry that Lexa mentioned her Dad. She knows her father must be so disappointed in her. She knows but she can’t stop. She stumbles off into the bar. 

And Lexa doesn’t follow her. She’s stunned and physically shaking from the whole experience. Lexa knows that she can’t leave Clarke alone with those people. But she also knows that Clarke isn’t going to come with her. So she gets out her phone and dials.

“Lexa? It’s really late.”

“I know and I - I’m so sorry but I need your help. It’s Clarke. She won’t come with me and it’s..it’s not good Raven.” Lexa’s voice is broken and shaky and near tears. It’s so frantic that Raven instantly jumps out of her bed.

“Give me the address. I’m on my way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think so far. It gets worse before it gets better but I promise you, it will get better. 
> 
> There will be a time jump soon. So let's see where that goes. I'm eager to hear your guesses on what's to happen next.


	6. Lifelines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven comes to the rescue. Flashbacks of Clarke's worst of days and some of Clexa's best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes!
> 
> Trigger Warning : Overdose. And mentions of drug and alcohol addiction.
> 
> (I am not a medical professional so bear with me if the overdose scene isn't exactly on par with reality. I only know what I've researched.)

Lexa paces nervously outside the bar. She’s been waiting for Raven for twenty minutes. She hates this feeling. She hates knowing that Clarke is in their struggling and there’s nothing she can do about it. She lost Clarke’s trust and now Clarke has relapsed. Lexa can’t help but feel responsible. If Lexa didn’t cheat, if she didn’t self destruct and lash out like always, she would be engaged to a happy healthy Clarke. Hell, they might even be married already. But instead, this is their reality. And that reality is hell.

“Lexa! I got here as quick as I could. Where is she?” Raven asks breathlessly. The girl is in sweats and a baggy sweatshirt with her hair up in a ponytail. She clearly was sleeping before being interrupted.

“She’s in the bar..um her girlfriend is with her.” Lexa says awkwardly. It feels bitter to call someone Clarke’s girlfriend. But it’s the truth. And like I said before, reality sucks.

“Fuck..I don’t get what Clarke is doing with that girl.” Raven mumbles under her breath before shaking her head and bringing her attention to Lexa. “Thanks for your help. I don’t know why you’re here but thanks for calling. I got it from here.”

“Oh I..well I was out having drinks with some friends and I ran into Clarke. Raven, she’s not just drinking again. She’s - she’s using. And it’s worse this time too.” Lexa shakily whispers. Raven’s eyes widen and she curses under her breath.

“Goddamnit.” Raven curses. “I knew she was bad but I didn’t..I didn’t think she was into drugs...at least not yet. What is she on?”

“I’m not sure about right now. But I saw track marks on her arm.” Lexa mumbles sadly, barely holding back her tears. This night has broken her even more than she was crushed before.

“Heroin?” Ravens asks in disbelief. “There’s no way Clarke would ever do that. That’s what..that’s…”

“That’s what killed her parents, I know.” Lexa cuts in for Raven. “She’s in a really bad place Raven. I...I can’t stand on the sidelines and watch her kill herself with drugs.” Lexa sobs out. Raven shakes her head and pulls Lexa into a hug.

“You don’t deserve my comfort, Lexa. You don’t deserve this hug. Not after what you did to Clarke.” Raven says firmly. Lexa cries even harder, mumbling “I know, I know, I know.’ Lexa tries to pull out of the embrace but Raven refuses to let go and holds onto the shivering brunette tighter. “But you’re still my family. And you love Clarke. Despite the shit you’ve put her through this past year, I know you love her more than life itself. And we are going to help her. She’s going to need you Lex. You were the only one who got her through it last time. You were her lifeline.”

“I..Raven, she hates me.” Lexa whispers out sadly.

“Clarke couldn’t hate you if she tried, honey. I wish you weren’t the one who had to help her. God, I wish it could be me. It would make things a hell of a lot easier, but you two will always be each other's lifeline. You two will always be each other’s hearts.” Raven breaks the hugs and Lexa hurriedly wipes her own tears away. “I’m so fucking angry at you. I want to punch you in the face, but that’s not even enough is it? You broke her, Lexa! I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you let alone Clarke. But you’re still the most important person in her life. You slipping it to someone else doesn’t change that fact.” Raven says firmly and Lexa winces at her last sentence. Raven never beat around the bush. 

“Raven, I...that night..I” Lexa’s explanations were cut off with a steady wave of Raven’s hand.

“Not now and not to me. That explanation should be saved for Clarke and only when she’s stable enough to truly listen and absorb it. Until then, you keep your mouth shut about that bitch you fucked while the love of your life was on tour, being completely faithful to you might I add.”

“You’re right. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. This isn’t about me or even Clarke and I’s relationship. It’s all about Clarke. That’s all I want. Clarke never has to talk to me again after she’s sober again. All I want is for her to be okay.” Lexa says sincerely and Raven’s eyes soften. Lexa fucked up big time. Clarke may never be able to forgive her. But that doesn’t mean Lexa didn’t love Clarke with her everything. The way Lexa loved Clarke was out of storybooks. And that’s why Raven was baffled when she found out that Lexa had cheated and slept with someone else. It just didn’t make sense.

“Well right now, you should go home.” Raven says and Lexa looks like she’s about to protest. “I know you want to help, but the best you can do right now is just go home. Clarke is drunk and probably high out of her mind right now and seeing you will only make it worse. I’ll get her out of here and back to my place. She’s sleep it off and rest with me all day tomorrow. I’ll call you sometime in the next few days and you can help me figure out how to make sure she doesn’t reach rock bottom. She lives alone now Lex. It’s scary to think what could have happened last time if you weren’t there.” Raven says worriedly and Lexa gasps slightly. She doesn’t ever want to think about that night ever again.

_2 Years Ago_

_Lexa was working late on guest starring in Nate’s new TV show. She is the season one antagonist who kills Nate’s brother in the season finale. After a long day of filming, all Lexa wants to do is curl up next to Clarke and sleep until tomorrow afternoon. She misses Clarke. They haven’t seen much of each other lately._

_Clarke has been struggling with drinking drugs a lot. She has been in and out rehabs for the past few years. Sometimes she has a few really good months and other times her recovery barely lasts a few weeks. It’s been a hard few years but Lexa loves Clarke and she will never give up on her._

_Clarke promised Lexa that she will really commit to rehab this time. The blonde scheduled the whole rehab stay on her own, without Lexa’s usual worrisome self helping her. Lexa is so proud that her girlfriend is trying. That’s all Lexa can ask for. Clarke is set up to leave in a few days so Lexa really wants to spend as much time as she can with her before she leaves for three months. Lexa will visit her but it’ll be tough to be away from her love for so long. But Clarke needs this._

_Lexa unlocks their apartment door and immediately yawns. She places her bag and keys on the couch and makes her way to her and Clarke’s bedroom._

_“Baby, I’m home. I think I need a massage. Do you think you could give me one?” Lexa says loudly as she gets undressed and changes into her pajamas. The bathroom door is opened slightly. Lexa can hear the sink on so she assumes Clarke is getting ready for bed. When she gets no response, Lexa curiously walks towards the bathroom._

_“Baby? What are you doing in-” Lexa pushes open the door and sees her girlfriend unconscious on the cold tiles of their bathroom floor, white powder sprawled out on the kitchen sink._

_“No no no no. Fuck Clarke, don’t do this!” Lexa sobs out, immediately falling to her knees. Lexa’s heart rate is pounding, her movements are frantic, yet everything seems to have slowed down. She can no longer hear the splash of the bathroom sink. Everything is dulled._

_Clarke’s body is cold, freezing actually. Lexa pales and starts hysterical crying. She hurries to find Clarke’s pulse. There’s a moment of complete and utter silence when all that can be heard are Lexa’s soft frantic hiccups as she tries to locate Clarke’s heartbeat. In that moment, Lexa thinks her one and only love is dead. She thinks about how she stopped by the market around the corner after work. She wanted to buy Clarke’s favorite snacks so they can stay in bed all day tomorrow. Maybe if she just came straight home, she could have gotten here in time. She could have-_

_Lexa finds a weak pulse and gasps out in relief. She pushes her emotions aside and pushes Clarke onto her side so she won’t choke on her own vomit. Lexa grabs Clarke’s phone on the counter and dials 911. She knows she isn’t suppose to move Clarke or put her in the shower like she’s seen in the movies. All she can do is wait._

_The waiting seems like forever. She cries and begs and pleads to a god she doesn’t believe in. She barters and sobs. Lexa will do anything, anything if it means getting her love back._

_‘Don’t let her die. Please. I need her. She’s my everything. She’s everything. Please.’ Lexa knows she won’t survive this. If Clarke is gone, that’s it. Everything she’s ever loved and cherished is gone with her._

_“Please Clarke. Fight for me. I need you to be strong. The ambulance is almost here.” Lexa pushes Clarke’s sweaty hair out of the blonde’s face. She kisses Clarke’s temple and mumbles to Clarke how much she loves and needs her. Lexa has never felt so helpless in her life. She’s never been so close to losing Clarke. And she refuses to ever let something like this happen again._

///

“Come on Clarke, just a few more steps and you’ll be in bed.” Raven says, a little out of breath. Clarke is leaning all her weight on her best friend.

Raven stormed into the bar and grabbed Clarke who was grinding on the dance floor with none other than Octavia Blake. Octavia drunkenly protested to Raven taking Clarke away from her but one death glare from Raven and Octavia immediately shut up. Octavia knows that Clarke will always listen to Raven first so she knows not to push her luck.

“Where’s Lex?” Clarke mumbles into Raven’s neck, stumbling. Raven’s eyes widen. Clarke never talks about Lexa even when she’s drunk.

“I told her to go home. Come on Clarke, let’s get you into be-”

“Why?! I misssssss her.” Clarke slurs out as Raven gently places her on the bed.

“Clarke, let’s talk about this in the morning.” Raven instructs gently as she undresses her best friend and puts on some pajamas.

“I know what you’re doing Rae.” Clarke slurs. 

“Oh yeah? What am I doing?” Raven says lightly as she struggles to get Clarke’s pants out. Clarke stares up at the ceiling dreamily as Raven grunts, trying to get the blonde out of her tight jeans.

“You’re hiding Lexa.” Clarke closes her eyes. “Whoa the world is dizzzzy! When did that happen? You know if Lex was here..” Clarke yawns and rubs at her eyes, smudging her makeup even more. “If Lexa was here..everything...every single thing… would be not dizzy. It would be the opposite of that. You know what I mean?” 

Raven chuckles sadly. Clarke isn’t making all that much sense right now, but Raven still gets what she’s trying to say. Lexa is Clarke’s anchor. She’s her everything. And even if they both think they are ‘no good’ for the other, one thing won’t change. Lexa Woods is the center of Clarke Griffin’s universe. And Clarke Griffin is center of Lexa Wood’s. 

“Rae?” Clarke mumbles out as she cuddles into her best friend’s bed.

“Yeah C?” Raven says patiently.

“I love her.” Clarke says sadly before drifting off into a deep slumber. 

"I know C. I know." Raven sighs and kisses her best friend’s forehead. She doesn’t know when it got so fucked up. She remembers helping Lexa pick out a ring like it was just yesterday.

_One Year Ago_

_“I don’t get the big fuss. You could literally make a ring out of twill string and she’d say yes.” Anya quips as Lexa drags her and Raven to another store._

_“Anya..” Lexa whines. “It has to be perfect. Clarke deserves the best.” Lexa mumbles sweetly._

_“Wow that’s grossly romantic. I wonder when I’m going to find someone to spoil me rotten.” Raven says casually._

_“I wouldn’t hold your breath on that one, Reyes.” Anya jokes and Raven frowns._

_“Hey well you’re not some great catch either, Forrest.” Raven sasses back. This is the usual for them. Lexa and Clarke have a theory they’re so mean to each other because they have pent up sexual tension for one another. But both are too stubborn to do anything about it._

_“Guys, can you quit it for one second? I need help finding the right...Oh” Lexa pauses mid sentence and both girls look over at her curiously. She’s peering at a black velvet box in the display mirror of a cute antique jewelry store. “That’s the one.” Lexa breathes out, mesmerized._

_Raven and Anya move in close to see what all the fuss is about. They both gasp audibly. It’s absolutely perfect. It’s engraved with intricate curves throughout the rose gold band. There’s a modest yet stunning diamond perched at the top. It just screams Clarke. It’s old. It carries the love story of generations past. It glistens in the sunlight. It is artistic and unique. It’s meant to be worn on Clarke Griffin’s fourth finger on her left hand. That’s the ring, the ring Clarke will wear for the rest of her life. It’s the ring that will see them make love on their honeymoon. It’s the ring that will witness them raise their future children. It’s the ring that will be their for their last beautifully tragic kiss decades and decades from now._

_“That’s it. That’s the ring.” Lexa mumbles happily, her eyes watering up at the sight. Anya smiles and rubs Lexa’s back supportingly. Raven looks on in awe at how much love Lexa has for Clarke. She doesn’t think anything can break them. Clarke and Lexa are indestructible._

_Oh how wrong she was._

_But they were all right about one thing. That will one day be Clarke Griffin’s ring. It’s just going to be one hell of a road to get it on her finger._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been meaning to do an update for this one. I love this fic. It's so angsty though.
> 
> Clexa will be endgame as y'all already know if you read my notes. But it will be a long long road. Lexa really destroyed Clarke's trust and that doesn't rebuild overnight. They are nowhere near reconciliation. But it's true that Lexa is her anchor. She grounds Clarke. There's no use in denying that. Lexa will be an integral part in Clarke coming to grasps with her addiction. Soo stay tuned.
> 
> I try to add some fluffy flashbacks here and there to show that Clarke and Lexa's relationship was a happy and healthy one. They just both got lost. This is a story about them finding their way back. 
> 
> Let me know what y'all think in the comment section. I look forward to your comments! It's hard to answer them all as I literally have zero time. I barely had time to write this short chapter. Just know that I read them and appreciate them all. Sometimes I try to answer the comments and questions generally in the following chapter's comment section so look out for that.
> 
> Enjoy!


	7. What a Media Circus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's new music video 'Betrayal' is released. The media has a field day with it. Somebody has a tell all interview in the wake of the new release.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Mentions of drug and alcohol abuse as well as brief mentions of overdose.

Lexa wakes up the next morning to a million texts and updates. Her phone is blowing up. Lexa groans and reluctantly pulls herself out of bed to look at what all the fuss is about.

 **From Anya [9:32 A.M.] :** Hey Lex. Have you seen Clarke’s new music video?...You should really check it out.

BREAKING NEWS : Clarke Griffin’s recently released music video for her hit single ‘Betrayal’ has created a storm in the clexa fandom. Looks like Lexa Woods has some explaining to do. Click on the link below to see the video for yourself.

 **From Titus [10:15 A.M.]** : Alexandria, as your manager you have to tell me things. What is this I’m hearing about Clarke Griffin’s new music video? I have talk shows calling me left and right to get your side of the story. Call me as soon as you can. We have to sort this out.

“Shit.” Lexa mumbles to herself. She hurries over to her computer and looks up the new video. It’s Clarke. She’s playing on the guitar Lexa gave her for their one year anniversary. Anyone who is a fan of the couple knows how special this guitar is to Clarke..and to Lexa. Clarke never brings it out on tour because she’s afraid it might get ruined. Fans only see it in home videos on Instagram or Periscope or even Snapchat. Clarke is making an obvious statement by using this guitar. This video is about Lexa. The guitar confirms it.

The title of the song, ‘Betrayal,’ makes Lexa wince. She knows it’s about the cheating without even listening to it yet. Clarke looks sad in the video. It breaks Lexa’s heart. Most music videos are filled with acting, but not this one. You can tell the sadness in Clarke’s eyes is real.

_Did she do that thing that makes you gasp so loud? Did she make you beg and whine? Did she give to you all night? I’ll never see your face again without her lips to your neck. I’ll never look in your big green eyes without seeing your new lover’s pride. It’s makes sick. Your betrayal puts me on the rails. I can’t get off. I can’t hide. Your betrayal fucks with my mind._

Lexa listens to the begin of the song before pausing it. It’s heartbreaking. She doesn’t even care that this video basically confirms she cheated. She deserves the backlash that will come from this. She deserves it all. 

Not a moment later, her phone rings again. Lexa groans. She should get used to all the notifications. The media isn’t going to die down anytime soon.

 **Twitter Update from Octavia Blake [12:29 P.M.]** : Check out my girl’s new music video ‘Betrayal.’ It’s amazing! I’m so proud of her for taking nobody’s shit. The one before me doesn’t realize what she’s lost. #ShesMineNowBitch

Lexa all but growls at the tweet. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Lexa whispers out incredulously. Lexa hates Octavia Blake. Not because the love of her life is dating the rock star. No. It’s because she’s a bad influence on Clarke. She’s possessive and she’s trouble. She’s going to drag Clarke down with her with all the drugs and partying. Lexa _won’t_ let that happen.

///

Clarke wakes up with a massive hangover to the sound of her phone going off like crazy. Shit. She forgot that today is the release of her new music video. Fans must be going insane over the song.

Clarke wrote that song in the weeks following her and Lexa’s split. It’s angry and bitter and utterly broken. Maybe she’s still all those things, but she doesn’t want to hurt Lexa. When she wrote that song, she just wanted Lexa to feel as shitty as she did. 

Her music producers encouraged her to make a video for it. They said it would be the most successful song on the ‘White Powder’ album. And so far, it’s doing amazing on the charts. It was just released today with the music video and she’s already gotten texts from her producers congratulating her on the success.

 **From Octavia [12:18 P.M.]** : Hey baby. Just woke up with a killer hangover. Heard about the success with Betrayal. Celebratory shots later?? I say we party a little with the rest of the Arkers crew then we have our own party. My bed was so cold without you last night :(

Clarke looks at the text and sighs. She doesn’t know what she’s doing anymore. Octavia is fun and light and easy. But she’s so tired. Seeing Lexa yesterday made her open her eyes. She’s been forcing herself to believe she’s happy with Octavia. But nobody will be Lexa Woods. That will never change. 

“Hey Clarkey. Want some bacon?” Raven pops her head into the bedroom and smiles.

“Yes please. My head is pounding right now.” Clarke mumbles as she greedily grabs some bacon.

“I could only imagine. How much did you drink last night?” Raven lightly asks, trying not to push Clarke. Clarke swallows down the bacon and looks at Raven with a knowing look.

“I’m okay Raven.” Clarke says softly. “I’m not spiraling.”

“You’re not?” Raven asks incredulously. “Clarke, you are using again. Don’t try and deny it. You promised me you weren’t doing drugs.”

“Rae..” Clarke says weakly.

“No! Don’t you Rae me, Clarke Griffin. You are killing yourself, you do realize that right?” Raven says, frustrated. Clarke is her best friend, her sister. Raven was also in the foster care system with Clarke. They grew up together and they are family. Clarke only has two people in her life who ever meant anything to her other than her father, and that’s Lexa and Raven. For Raven, she’s only ever had Clarke.

“I...I just need to feel okay. Doing this.. it makes me feel...I don’t know..it makes the pain go away.” Clarke struggles to find the right words. Her voice is broken. Raven’s eyes soften. Raven moves to sit next to Clarke. She cups the blonde’s cheeks.

“In the moment, it might make you feel amazing. But it’s doing more damage than you can ever imagine. Clarke, you’re smart. Please, think about what you’re doing to yourself. Think about how this affects everyone around you.” Raven says gently.

“I don’t have anyone anymore. I have you. That’s it. You’ll be okay without me.” Clarke says quietly. Raven fumes.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! Clarke, that has to be a joke. You are my sister. You are the only person I have! You matter to me. You matter to your real friends. Not those Arker assholes you’ve been hanging around. You matter to your fans. You don’t realize how many people you depend on. And I know you don’t want to hear it, but you matter to Lexa.” Raven says firmly.

“I don’t want to talk about Lexa.” Clarke says in a dangerously low voice.

“Yeah I know. You never do. But now you’re going to. This whole Lexa thing is eating you alive. You need to sort this shit out before it gets you killed.” Raven says seriously. “You need to talk to her.”

“I can’t..I can’t do that.” Clarke’s lip trembles. 

“Well then you need to talk to me or a therapist or give your sponsor a call! I bet you haven’t called Harper in months. You need to open up Clarke.” Raven encourages strongly. She can’t lose Clarke.

At that moment she gets a phone call from Octavia. Clarke bites her lip, contemplating not picking up. Raven gives her that ‘ _you better not answer that_ ’ look. Clarke looks apologetic but answers nevertheless.

“Hey. Yeah sorry I know. Okay..um yeah we can do that. I’ll see you in a few hours.” Clarke hurriedly talks to Octavia. Raven can only hear one part of the conversation but she can tell Clarke has just made plans to go out _again_ tonight. Raven shakes her head.

“You’re not going out tonight.” Raven states firmly.

“Yes I am.” Clarke says defiantly. “I just need to let loose a little.”

“If you’re going out, then I’m coming with you. You can have three drinks, that’s it. If you try to do drugs or drink more than that, I am dragging you out of the club by your pretty blonde hair.” Raven says calmly.

“Raven, I know you’re trying to help but you aren’t my mother. You can’t control me.”

“Maybe not. But I am doing this to make sure you don’t end up _like_ your mother.” Raven says calmly and Clarke’s eyes darken with anger.

“Raven, you’re crossing a line.” Clarke says, her voice furious and low.

“No Clarke, you’re the one crossing a line. And I’m afraid if you keep going down this road, you won’t have a chance to make things right this time.” Raven says sadly. Clarke sighs and wipes the few tears in her eyes away.

“5 drinks tonight and you’ve got yourself a deal. But only for tonight.” Clarke mumbles defeatedly. She’s embarrassed, humiliated that her best friend has to monitor her drink intake. She’s ashamed that she is bartering the amount of alcohol she can have tonight. Because she knows she won’t be able to make it through the night with only three drinks.

“4 drinks. That’s it.” Raven says in a stern tone.

“Fine.” Clarke huffs. “I need a shower. I smell like-”

“Like garbage. Yeah I know.” Raven teases lightly. Clarke chuckles. “I’ll let you shower. I’ll be in the kitchen.” Raven gets up and walks toward the door.

“Hey Rae?” Clarke calls out to her and Raven turns around expectantly.

“Thank you.” Clarke whispers sincerely. Raven smiles softly and sadly.

“It’s what family does. We look out for one another.”

///

Clarke and Raven arrive at the bar and immediately Clarke goes to the bar. Raven sighs but nevertheless follows her.

“Hey can I have your strongest cocktail please?” Clarke asks sweetly. Raven huffs.

“Really Griff?” Raven asks, slightly put off.

“I’m just trying to make the most out of my four drinks.” Clarke puts her hands up in defeat. Raven rolls her eyes and orders a soda. She plans on being entirely sober tonight. She needs to look out for Clarke.

The night goes by slow for Clarke since she’s not drinking. She’s had three of her four drinks. She has a bit of a buzz but barely anything. She has one of the highest tolerances she knows of. 

She’s dancing up close to Octavia when her phone starts going off like crazy. She ignores it, assuming it’s about the music video. She goes back to grinding with Octavia. It’s getting heated and she’s getting turned out. Octavia turns out and kisses Clarke hard. The blonde moans into the kiss.

“Clarke, we have to go.” Raven says apologetically. Octavia glares at her. Let’s just say, if looks could kill, Raven would be six feet under already.

“Rae..” Clarke whines. “You said four drinks! I’ve only had three.” Clarke whines some more until she sees the look in Raven’s eyes. It immediately sobers her up.

“Listen sweetie, Costia Greene was just interviewed by some TV talk show. We need to get you out of here before the media swarms you.” Raven speaks sadly. Clarke feels a knot in her stomach forming. The blonde kisses Octavia goodbye despite the rockstar’s protests that she should stay out and party more. Clarke follows Raven out the back entrance and her best friend drives them back to her house to avoid the media frenzy that’s probably already camped outside of Clarke’s.

As soon as they get home, Clarke demands to see the footage of the interview. Raven hesitantly puts the interview on.

“Good evening folks! Tonight we have actress Costia Green here discussing her latest film ‘Grounders’ and her lovely beguiling costar Lexa Woods. Now Costia, tell us what was it like working with Hollywood’s sweetheart?” The talk show host is charming and asking all the right questions. The tan dark haired beauty that is Costia Green smirks. There’s a glint of mischief in her eyes. Clarke wants to punch that perfect smirk right off her face.

“Well..” Costia chuckles before continuing. “I have to say that Lexa was by far one of the best costars I’ve ever worked with. We got so close on set and I think that’s why our chemistry was so palpable. Such a good lover too - on and off screen.” 

The crowd gasps. The talk show host is at a loss for words. Clearly, nobody expected those words to come out of the actress’ mouth.

“Are you saying that you and Lexa were together romantically off screen?” The talk show host leans in. You can tell he’s happy with where this interview is going. It’s going to get millions of hits. There are rumours about what really happened to break up the ever so famous ‘Clexa.’ But nobody truly knew the real reason. That is, until today. Between the music video and Costia’s admission, it’s now obvious to everyone that Lexa cheated with Costia Greene.

“Yes we were. It was a fleeting affair but it did happen. There’s no use denying it.” Costia said nonchalantly.

“Now Costia, I’m sorry to ask but did this ‘affair’ happen when Lexa Woods was still with her longtime girlfriend, Clarke Griffin?”

Costia grows silent for a second. She pretends to look guilty. 

“I am not proud of my actions, but yes it did.” The crowd erupts into chaos. Gasps and vulgarities are bleeped out of the taping. “Lexa and I were together only once. It’s not my finest of moments but I want to come clean. I saw Clarke’s new music video and I realize how Lexa and my actions destroyed a relationship. I want to formally apologize to Clarke for hurting her so deeply. I hope this can be a new chapter for both of us.” Costia pretends to be torn up, even shedding a few tears. 

It's bullshit and Clarke can tell. It's all part of an act. Her managers probably wanted her to get ahead of the curve once Clarke's music video came out. It's obvious Lexa cheated but the media was still speculating with who. But there were pictures of Costia leaving Clarke and Lexa’s apartment months ago. It wasn't a far stretch to figure out what really happened. Costia is one manipulating bitch.

Clarke is fuming. She mumbles a few curses while she hurried out the door. Raven tries to follow after her but Clarke quickly loses her in the chaotic Manhattan streets. Clarke hails a taxi. Raven is right. She needs to confront this head on. And she knows just exactly where to go.

///

Lexa is sitting at home reading a poetry book that her and Clarke always used to read when they were young and in high school. They would lay in bed naked taking turns reading a page to one another. Lexa yearns for those days again. She turned her phone off because she couldn’t deal with the constant texts and updates. 

_Who did Lexa Woods cheat with? Why did she cheat? Did Clarke cheat first?_ She was going crazy reading all those messages. So instead, she made herself a cup of tea and is reading the book that holds so many memories to her. 

Suddenly, she hears a series of angry knocks on her door. She is startled out of her deep reading and hurries to the door, hoping that a reporter didn’t slip through her security. It’s happened before. She looks in the peephole to see none other than a very angry Clarke Griffin. Lexa immediately opens her door and Clarke stomps right in.

“Clarke..uh hi. Are you okay?” Lexa asks worriedly and confused. She hasn’t seen Clarke for months and now she’s seen her twice in two days. She’s not complaining but hell if she isn’t confused.

“Am I okay?” Clarke sarcastically asks before bitterly chuckling. “Am I fucking okay? Your little girlfriend just went on air raving about your skills as a lover, Lexa.” Clarke voice is tired and broken beneath all the anger, Lexa can tell.

“What?” Lexa asks breathlessly. There’s no way Costia went on air admitting to the affair. They agreed to never speak of it again.

“Don’t act so fucking surprised! Isn’t cheating on me enough?!” Clarke shoves Lexa hard. “Do I really have to listen to the sordid details on air?!” Clarke furiously wipes her tears away.

“Clarke...I - I had no idea she did this. I promise, I would never have let this happen. I’m so sorry. Please believe m-”

“I don’t have to believe shit from you, Lexa! You broke my trust. You broke my heart! Do you think it’s fun hearing about how skilled you are in bed from the woman who you had sex with while we were still together? Did you make her come, Lex? Was it more than once? Did you-”

“Stoppit!!” Lexa screams out. Lexa never yells. Clarke is stunned into silence.

“Clarke, I have no excuse. I don’t know why I did it. I felt betrayed. I-”

“You felt betrayed.” Clarke scoffs, rolling her eyes.

“You told me you felt something for Luna! You told me that there was a moment where you felt connected to her!” Lexa cries out. Clarke’s eyes widen. She remembers that fight just like it was yesterday.

///

_7 Months Ago_

_Clarke and Luna’s band just finished up a set in New Orleans. It was an exhilarating concert. The fans were really alive._

_“Hey Griffin. You wanna come out with us tonight?” Luna calls out while packing up her guitar._

_“I would but I have to Facetime my girlfriend. Maybe next time.” Clarke says regretfully. She really wants to go out with them. They seem like so much fun, but she has to call up Lexa. The distance has been really rough on the pair. They both miss each other so much but instead of expressing that, they just wind up miscommunicating and ending up frustrated._

_Clarke settles into her hotel room and calls up Lexa. Lexa picks up within a few rings. Her eyes are bright and happy. She’s missed Clarke so much. It doesn’t help the fact that Luna is always around. The last two Facetime calls, Luna was in the background painting her toes on Clarke’s bed or watching a movie in Clarke’s hotel room. Ok, so maybe Lexa is a little jealous._

_“Hey baby.” Clarke smiles wide and Lexa sighs in relief. Luna isn’t there this time. Thank god._

_“Hi babe. How was your concert?” Lexa asks sweetly._

_“It was amazing! The fans were really into it.” Clarke responds excitedly._

_“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. I miss you.” Lexa says honestly. Clarke’s eyes soften._

_“I miss you so much Lex.” Clarke responds sincerely back. “Tell me what you miss about me.” Clarke says seductively. Lexa bites her lip. She’s not one for doing things over video call but her and Clarke have had to be creative these past few months._

_“Is Luna there? I don’t want to say anything dirty if she’s in the room.” Lexa teases. Clarke bites her lip to hide her smirk._

_“No, Luna wanted me to tag along with the band tonight but I had to Facetime you so I couldn’t go.” Clarke says casually but it stings Lexa a bit._

_“Oh.. baby you could have gone out. I don’t want you to see video calling me as a chore.” Lexa replies honestly, even though she’s a little hurt. She looks forward to these calls with Clarke. It’s the best part of her week. It’s kind of sad to know it isn’t the same for Clarke._

_“It’s not a chore, Lex.” Clarke rolls her eyes playfully. “I love you dumby. I just like hanging out with the crew and with Luna._

_“You’ve been hanging out with Luna a lot lately.” Lexa tries to say without jealousy seeping through her tone._

_Clarke bites her lip to hide her frown. “Yeah.” Clarke mumbles. Lexa’s stomach is in knots. Clarke looks guilty of something. But she doesn’t know of what._

_“What is it, Clarke?” Lexa asks hesitantly. “Is..” Lexa gulps. “Is something going on between you and Luna?”_

_“No!” Clarke exclaims quickly, quelling Lexa’s fears for at least a moment. “I haven’t touched her at all.”_

_Lexa’s eyes grow sad. Her heart feel like it’s being ripped from her chest. “But you feel something for her.” Her voice is vulnerable and broken._

_“I...no?” Clarke says unsurely._

_“That sounds more like a question, Clarke.” Lexa looks away from the camera to hide her tears._

_“Look Lex, I love you. I am in love with you. That’s all that matters.” Clarke says reassuringly._

_“Answer the goddamn question, Clarke!” Lexa screams out. It’s one of those rare moments where Lexa screams. Her voice suddenly grows fragile again. “Do you have feelings for Luna?”_

_Clarke looks away from the screen. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel connected to her.” Clarke mumbles sadly. Lexa chokes back a sob._

_“Oh.” Lexa quietly says. “I see.” Lexa wipes away her tears._

_“Lexa, it’s not like that though. She’s just an amazing woman, but I am in love with you. I don’t want to be with her. I want to be with you.” Clarke says honestly. Lexa nods._

_“Clarke..” Lexa wipes her tears away._

_“Baby, why are you crying?” Clarke interrupts hers._

_“Clarke, listen to me.” Lexa says firmly. Clarke grows quiet. “I think...I think maybe you should explore these feelings you have for Luna. I can’t..I don’t want you staying with me out of obligation. If you have feelings for her, you should just-”_

_“Lexa, stop! I don’t want to break up. I’m not in love with Luna. I don’t want to explore my feelings for her! She’s just a friend and that’s all she will ever be. Now stop with this crap. I love you.” Clarke says desperately. She knows they aren’t in a good place but she doesn’t want to end things. She loves Lexa. Is she attracted to Luna? Sure. Does she have romantic feelings for her? Absolutely not. Luna is a friend, that’s it._

_“Clarke..”_

_“Don’t Clarke me Lexa! I’m sick and tired of you acting like you know what’s best for me. I’m not your fucking child. I’m your girlfriend.” Clarke spits out. She immediately covers her mouth as soon as the words fly out of her mouth. She doesn’t know where that came from._

_“I - I’m sorry you feel that way.” Lexa says, wide eyed and stunned._

_“Shit, no I’m sorry. I’m being a bitch. I just..” Clarke sighs out, rubbing her temples. “Being away from you is really hard. There’s a lot of temptation here.”_

_“You..you mean Luna?” Lexa asks sadly._

_“What?” Clarke’s broke from her thoughts. “Fuck no. I meant alcohol and drugs. Lexa, I told you I love you. Luna isn’t a temptation for me.”_

_The second Clarke speaks of her addiction, Lexa immediately forgets about Luna._

_“Clarke..if you think you’re going to relapse, you have to cancel the rest of your tour. Luna will understand. You can’t put your health at risk baby.” Lexa says firmly._

_“I can’t do that.” Clarke says in a stern voice. “This is my career.”_

_“Clarke, this is about more than your career. This is about your life!” Lexa says loudly, frustrated. “I can’t let you do this.”_

_“Do what? Live my own life?! Lexa, I can make my own choices! I know you’ve been through alot with me. I know you’ve been through hell and back these past few years. You’ve been amazing, standing by me and always supporting me. But I can’t just cancel my tour. Once I’m back in Manhattan, I’ll start going to AA again I promise.”_

_“You can go to meetings while on the road. We can even hire someone to stay with you on tour to ensure your sobriety.” Lexa suggests._

_“No.” Clarke huffs out, stubbornly._

_“Clarke, don’t be stubborn!” Lexa shouts out._

_“I’m not being stubborn! All I said was that I’m having trouble. That doesn’t mean I’ve done anything yet!” Clarke screams out._

_“Clarke, you just said ‘yet!’ That means you’re thinking that alcohol and drugs are inevitable, that it’s only a matter of time until you slip again. Baby, please. Just let me call Dr. Indra. She’ll know how to help you.” Lexa is starting to feel desperate. She can’t watch Clarke do this again. It literally almost killed her the last time._

_“Lexa, I know what I’m doing.” Clarke mumbles, annoyed._

_“That’s what you said last time! Then I found you on the bathroom floor! Clarke, baby, how about I fly to New Orleans? We don’t have to hire anyone. I’ll just come on the road with you. Think about it being like a vacation.” Lexa says with a sad smile._

_“You’re in the middle of shooting a film.” Clarke huffs out._

_“Fuck the film. I don’t care about the film. I care about you.” Lexa says truthfully._

_“Stop being ridiculous!” Clarke shouts out frustrated. She sighs loudly. “Look, I didn’t want to fight with you. Let’s just talk sometime next week okay?”_

_“What? Next week? Clarke, we have to talk about this.” Lexa says desperately._

_“No we don’t. I need some air right now okay. I feel like the walls are closing in on me.” Clarke mumbles out._

_“Okay, just breathe baby. We can talk about something else.” Lexa says soothingly._

_“Actually I think I’m going to go meet up with Luna and them okay? I need to get this off my mind.” Clarke says honestly._

_“Okay.” Lexa’s hurt that Clarke would rather go spend her time with Luna when she’s struggling. But she understands. “Where are they?”_

_Clarke goes silent._

_“Clarke, where are they?” Lexa tries again._

_“They’re just out. I’m not sure where. Listen, I’ll talk to you soon.” Clarke dodges the question._

_“Wait Clarke..I-”_

_Clarke hangs up the phone. Lexa stares at the screen dumbfounded. Clarke never acts like that. Not since she was using. Clarke could be really nasty when she was high. Lexa has seen Clarke at her worst. But today, Clarke might have just been frustrated but it hurt Lexa deeply._

_Lexa bursts out into tears. If Clarke relapses, it’ll break her. Lexa is shaking. She feels like she’s going to throw up. The brunette runs to the bathroom and vomits into the sink. Lexa has no idea why she just threw up. Maybe from the sheer emotion of it all. She doesn’t think she can take it if Clarke relapses. She doesn’t even want to think about what Clarke said about Luna._

_For once in her life, Lexa Woods isn’t sure if her and Clarke are going to make it. And it scares the shit out of her._

_Little does Lexa know, this is only the start of Clarke pulling away from her._

/// 

“I told you Luna meant nothing to me! Are you saying that you had sex with Costia to get back at me?!” Clarke screams. Both girls are hysterical crying.

“Of course not!” Lexa cries out.

“Then tell me! Tell me why you broke us!!” Clarke screams out. “Tell me!”

“Clarke, we were already broken!” Lexa shouts out. Clarke’s eyes grow wide. “We were broken for a long fucking time. What I did, I ruined us. But we weren’t in a good place for a long time. It’s not an excuse...it’s - it’s just the.. truth.” Lexa’s voice keeps getting quieter and quieter.

“I tried to be perfect for you. I tried to be everything you needed. And then..then you pulled away from me. I thought we were passed the worst of it and then you just pulled away. You wouldn’t talk to me. I always knew what was going on in your head. And then all of a sudden, I didn’t anymore.” Lexa says softly and it’s heartbreaking. “I ruined us. I ruined us because I was jealous and bitter and self destructive. I ruined us but there was only so long I could stay perfect. I broke. I broke and I ruined us in the process. I’ll never be more sorry about anything in my life. I hurt you. I am so fucking sorry Clarke. But please don’t let this ruin the rest of your life. You are more than the drugs you pump into your veins. Please Clarke. Let me help you.” Lexa finishes her spiel and Clarke looks at the ground, tears freely flowing from her eyes.

“I’m...I’m scared this time Lex.” Clarke cries out. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to fight it this time.” Clarke sobs and falls onto the couch. Lexa hurries to catch her in her arms. The two girls sit there crying in each other's embrace.

“You’re strong, Clarke Griffin. I have never seen a person as strong as you. You will get through this.” Lexa firmly says to Clarke, her voice thick with tears.

“And I want to hate you. I want to hate you so bad. But I don’t know how to do that.” Clarke mumbles into Lexa’s neck. Lexa rocks her back and forth.

“If you need to hate me, that’s okay. I’ll always be here for you.” Lexa whispers quietly. 

“I’m so drunk right now. This doesn’t mean anything.” Clarke lies. She can’t let Lexa think this breakdown is anything more than a drunken mistake. Lexa lets her lie to her, even though she can tell Clarke isn’t drunk. She can smell the alcohol and cigarettes on her that’s for sure. But Lexa Woods knows all too well what Clarke Griffin is like when she’s drunk. And this. This certainly isn’t it.

“I know. I know. You can stay as long as you’d like.” Lexa says quietly. Lexa holds Clarke until both their tears die out. Clarke is asleep in her arms. And Lexa doesn’t have the heart to wake her up. Lexa tries to get up so Clarke doesn’t feel uncomfortable in the morning, but Clarke clutches onto her tight. Lexa lays back down and Clarke remains in her arms.. At Least for the night. It’s by no means romantic. It’s comfort. Clarke just needs her best friend back. She needs the most important person in her life to hold her in her weakest of moments. And that’s what Lexa Woods is, despite her mistakes. She is still the one person in the world who can help Clarke find herself again and vice versa. These two girls are lost but maybe, _just maybe_ , they’ll be able to find their way back to each other somewhere along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter came out slightly different than I anticipated. Everyone is trying their best here. 
> 
> Now I know some may say that it seems as if Clarke had an emotional affair with Luna, but that's not really true. She didn't fall in love with Luna. It wasn't romantic. She just felt connected to her in a way she's only ever felt with Raven and Lexa. Luna became a very close friend of hers and maybe that confused her for a hot second there. But that by no means excuses Lexa's cheating and I didn't add the plot to give Lexa some sort of reason for why she cheated. I added that for another reason which will be revealed later. 
> 
> Lexa's reasons for cheating might seem weak but that's because they are. You'll see more about her thought process in the next chapter. There will be a flashback.
> 
> As for Raven, she's doing the best she can. She knew Clarke was going to go out regardless of what she says. So she did the best she could. She limited Clarke's drinking and kept her away from drugs for the night. Clarke's addiction will always be a part of her but luckily she will be working on the path back to sobriety very very soon.
> 
> I always feel the need to explain my thoughts on each chapter for this fic haha I'm not sure why. I'm trying to do this story justice. It's heavy stuff. I appreciate all thoughts and opinions though so please continue to contribute to the conversation in the comments section. 
> 
> Enjoy!


	8. Memories and Confrontations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke thinks back on some highs and lows of her and Lexa's relationship. Lexa confronts Costia about her tell all interview. Flashbacks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes!
> 
> Trigger Warning : Depictions of alcohol and drug addiction. Also, Costia and Lexa talk about their night together and they briefly discuss their drunken night together.

Clarke wakes up first. It takes her a moment to realize she’s wrapped in Lexa’s arms. It takes her an even longer moment to realize that is no longer where she is suppose to be. But right now, Clarke doesn’t give a damn. Lexa is still asleep. She can afford to be weak for a second.

Clarke lays her head back on Lexa’s chest, listening to her ex girlfriend’s heartbeat. It’s soothing to her. It’s nice to feel Lexa’s warmth again. It makes Clarke feel safe and loved. The blonde wills away any unwanted images of Lexa and Costia in similar positions. All she wants right now is to be consumed by her love for Lexa. Her love for Lexa makes her feel human. But with love so intense, so massive, there are both great highs and great falls.

Clarke angles her head so that she can look at Lexa’s peaceful sleeping face. She caresses the brunette’s soft cheeks before shaking herself out of this reverie. She can’t slip back into this. She’s fought so hard to stay away from Lexa. And yet somehow, she’s in her arms again. Clarke gently breaks out of Lexa’s loving embrace and hurries out the door without looking back. As soon as the door shuts, Lexa starts to stir. When she finally does wake up, Clarke is gone. And so is her heart.

///

Lexa turns her phone on after showering and getting dressed. There are millions of messages on her phone. Most are from Twitter and Instagram. Her fans are begging her to issue a statement saying Costia’s claims aren’t true. But she can’t. She cheated. She can’t deny reality as much as she wishes she could.

Her manager might have had an aneurysm with how angry he is right now. Costia’s interview painted Lexa in a horrible light, but the fact of the matter is that Costia didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. She did sleep with someone else while still with the love of her life. She did that. She can’t hide from it anymore.

Anya also texted her asking it she was okay as well as a handful of her true friends like Nate. They said they were here for her. But they really shouldn’t be. They should be there for Clarke, not for her. She’s the one who royally messed up. Lexa doesn't believe she deserves anyone's kind words right now. 

**From Costia Greene [10:05 A.M.] :** Did you get the chance to see my interview last night? I think it might be of interest to you. xo 

Lexa is furious. She doesn’t know what she was thinking when she slept with Costia. Costia is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She’s opportunistic and manipulative and an attention seeker. She’s the worst kind of person in Hollywood. Lexa decides to confront this head on. And that starts with confronting none other than Costia Greene.

///

Clarke is sitting in her mansion swiping through the photo album she keeps of all her pictures with her and Lexa, which is _a lot_. They were so happy in all the pictures. But maybe Lexa is right. Maybe they were broken for a long time and Clarke just didn't see it. She was too caught up in her own inner demons to see that Lexa has some too. 

Lexa was always so good to her, so loving, so understanding. Lexa was always her rock. She stood by her no matter how hard Clarke was. Clarke doesn't remember all the things she said to Lexa all the times she was high, but she remembers enough. Clarke could only imagine all the things she said to her that she doesn't remember. Thinking back to those days isn't her favorite thing to do. She's so ashamed how she acted towards Lexa. But she can't change it. What's done is done.

_A Little Over 2 Years Ago_

_Clarke spent the night partying with some fellow musicians after performing at a small time music festival. The party was at one of the musicians’ mansions so the alcohol was expensive and so were the drugs. Clarke invited Lexa but her girlfriend was working late on her latest film. So Clarke went solo._

_Clarke is usually good at parties when Lexa is with her. Lexa monitors her drink intake and makes sure she stays away from drugs. Lexa has been trying to convince her to go to rehab again but Clarke doesn’t see the point. She’s gone so many times before. She always relapses. The way Clarke see it it’s just a waste of time._

_Clarke doesn’t always drink like this. She is on and off. Sometimes she’s good for a few months and then bad for the next few. It’s been that way for the past few years. She only slips up when Lexa isn’t with her._

_And it just so happens that Lexa wasn’t there tonight. Clarke could tell Lexa was worried for Clarke to go alone to this thing but the blonde promised she’d come home early. And she stuck by her promise. It’s only 12:30 in the morning. Lexa asked her to be home by 1. The only problem is that since Clarke was planning on leaving so early, she decided to drink as much as do as many lines as she could without going overboard in the little time she had. A bad idea, very very bad idea._

_Clarke somehow manages to get home. She’s stumbles out of her friend’s car and makes her way upstairs to her and Lexa’s penthouse. She throws up in the elevator. It’s hard to walk so she decides to drag her body on the walls, the only thing keeping her upright. She gets to the door and tries to put her key in the door. It doesn’t work. Clarke gets impatient so she starts banging on the door and in the process falls straight on her face._

_“Fuck..” Clarke groans from the floor, not bothering to move from her position lying face first on the ground. She can hear Lexa’s light footsteps hurrying toward the door. She can already tell Lexa is going to be disappointed in her._

_“Oh my god.” Lexa gasps out, immediately moving to help Clarke up and check her for any wounds. “Clarke, are you hurt? Baby, let me help you into the bathroom so I can clean you up.” Lexa’s voice is sad and anxious and it makes Clarke feel ashamed. She’s disappointed in herself for showing up to their home like this again. She doesn’t know how to stop though. And she’s so tired. Rehab never works. Perhaps she just doesn’t commit enough to it._

_“Don’t touch me.” Clarke jerks away from Lexa’s touch. She feels like she’s a burden to Lexa. She doesn’t even want Lexa to look at her right now._

_Lexa’s face is full of hurt. Despite dealing with Clarke in this state before, she’ll never get used to it. It breaks her heart every time._

_“Baby, please. You can sleep once I get you inside.” Lexa begs and Clarke just grunts, knowing she won’t win this battle. Clarke doesn’t help at all; she’s just dead weight. Luckily, Lexa is strong and carries Clarke inside all on her own. She gently places her muttering girlfriend on the bed and goes to get her pajamas._

_“I don’t want your fucking help!” Clarke shouts out. Lexa quietly gathers Clarke’s pajamas while the blonde rants at her. She’s used to seeing Clarke this way. It’s horrible but it’s the truth._

_“Okay Clarke.” Lexa sighs, placing the blonde’s pjs on the bed next to her. They have to go through the same routine every time. Clarke refuses Lexa’s help and starts to get snappy. She yells at Lexa to leave her alone and to go away. She says she can undress herself and then when she tries to, she fails. That’s when Lexa comes in and gently helps her girlfriend. It’s a struggle but Lexa does it because she loves Clarke and she will never let her go._

_Clarke stumbles up and sloppily throws her clothes on the floor. She manages to get her top and bra off. Her jeans prove difficult though and she falls to the floor, cursing. Lexa goes to pick her up and Clarke starts crying._

_“Clarke, shhh. Let me help you up.” Lexa says softly. It’s breaking her heart to see Clarke like this. Lexa gets her into pajamas and puts her in bed. Clarke lays down with her eyes closed._

_“I don’t feel good.” Clarke sighs out. Lexa hurries over to her and tries to get her to sit up._

_“Sit up Clarke.” Lexa says firmly._

_“Noooo..” Clarke whines out. “I don’t feel good.”_

_“I know baby. That’s why you need to sit up. You’re going to throw up.” Lexa says calmly. She knows when Clarke is going to throw up. This is one of those times._

_“Fuck you. Why won’t you ever leave me the hell alone? You’re so goddamn clingy.” Clarke mumbles, her eyes fluttering open and shut. Lexa wishes she could say that hearing those words from her love’s mouth doesn’t hurt anymore. But she’d be lying. It hurts so much. She knows Clarke doesn’t know what she’s saying right now but fuck it still hurts._

_“Clarke, please sit up.” Lexa says in a stern voice. Clarke groans and grunts as she sits up reluctantly._

_“Why can’t you find someone else to bitch at?” Clarke slurs out, her eyes rolling into the back of her head. Clarke sways and falls back on the pillows, her body too weak to sit upright. Lexa checks her temperature. Clarke is way worse than usual._

_“God how much did you drink tonight?” Lexa says worriedly._

_“Drank lots.” Clarke mumbles out. “Did lots of lines too.”_

_“Fuck.” Lexa checks Clarke’s pulse. It’s beating really fast and it’s starting to worry her. Clarke throws up into the bucket Lexa has been holding next to her. Lexa rubs Clarke’s back and whispers her love to the blonde and her girlfriend throws up everything in her stomach._

_“We should get you in the shower.” Lexa says softly when all is said and done._

_“Noo let me sleep.” Clarke whines and pouts. Lexa cleans up Clarke’s face and hair before going to get her some water. In the kitchen, Lexa grips the edges of the sink counter hard and cries quietly to herself for a few minutes._

_“Lex I’m thirsty!” Clarke shouts out weakly. “I need water baby.”_

_Lexa wipes her tears away and wills herself to be strong for Clarke. She has to be._

_“I’m coming love.” Lexa gives Clarke the water and gets into bed with her. Clarke grumbles about how shitty she feels and Lexa soothes her. Clarke is inconsolable right now._

_“Why are you still with me? I’m a mess.” Clarke cries into Lexa’s sleep shirt._

_“You’re not a mess baby. You have a disease. You need help. We are going to get you all the help you need I promise.” Lexa says calmly even though her hands are shaking. Clarke sniffles back her tears and nods. Clarke cries some more about how she doesn’t deserve Lexa. Lexa holds her and tells her she loves her. Because despite everything, Lexa loves Clarke. Clarke is the one for her. And it may be hard but Clarke is worth it. She will always be worth it._

__

Clarke curses herself. She regrets so much. She threw so much of her weight on Lexa and a dam broke. Lexa was never perfect either. She had a shitty life and she has plenty of baggage. And for years, she ignored her problems to make sure Clarke was okay. Clarke misses Lexa. Clarke misses the good times with Lexa, which don’t get me wrong, there were many good times. Years of happy times. Clarke was always better with Lexa. She’d like to think it was the same for Lexa too. 

Clarke looks at a picture and sadly smiles. She traces Lexa’s smile in the photo. This was taken the week after high school ended. They saved up some money and took a trip up to a nearby lake. They rented a modest lake cabin for the weekend. Clarke wishes she could go back to those times. They were happy. Clarke never had a drop of alcohol or any kinds of drugs in her life. Everything was perfect.

_5 Years Ago_

_“I think my back has some sunburn, it’s stinging. Can you rub some aloe on it for me?” Lexa calls out lightly as Clarke steps out of the shower and wraps her wet body in a towel. They spent the day by the lake, tanning and fishing and just soaking up each other's presence. It was amazing. They’ve never laughed harder._

_“Sure baby. Take your shirt off and lay on the bed.” Clarke says simply. Lexa carefully takes her shirt off, wincing when the rough fabric rubs against the sunburn. She unties her bikini top and lays face down on the plush bed._

_Clarke begins rubbing her back sensually, lathering Lexa up with aloe. Lexa sighs out in relief as Clarke’s cool hands rub her back just right._

_“That’s good.” Lexa mumbles into the sheets. “I like that.”_

_Clarke smiles. By the time she's finished with the massage, Lexa is in a light sleep. Clarke walks away wordlessly and goes into the bathroom. Lexa groggily looks up in her direction, wondering where she’s going. “Clarke? Where are you going?” Lexa calls out confused. Not a moment later, Clarke comes out completely nude. Lexa’s mouth waters._

_“I just wanted to wash the aloe off my hands and get a little more comfortable.” Clarke says simply as she saunters towards Lexa. Lexa’s mouth is on the floor. Her girlfriend’s body is her favorite thing. Lexa was never a fan of pleasuring herself before she met Clarke. In fact, she never even tried it before the blonde came into her life. But Clarke’s body. God, the things Clarke’s body does to her._

_Lexa is stunned into silence. Clarke smirks and lays down next to her. “Hi.” Clarke slyly says. “I’d say get on your back but you have aloe all over you so you’re going to have to be on top today. Is that okay?” Clarke says with a smirk on her face. Lexa furiously nods a yes, at a loss for words._

_Her hands frantically start roaming the blonde’s curves, touching everything she can get her hands on. “Fuck Clarke.” Lexa groans out before attaching her lips to Clarke’s. After a very heated makeout session complete with lots of grinding and heavy petting, Lexa’s hands inch their way down to Clarke’s wet and waiting pussy._

_The brunette sucks on Clarke’s tongue as she slowly rubs up and down through Clarke’s fold, never quite touching the blonde’s clit. Clarke squirms and moans. The blonde wraps her legs around the brunette and starts grinding her core into Lexa’s hand and lower stomach. Lexa gasps at the action. Clarke is so aroused right now. Lexa can feel it all over her fingers and stomach._

_“Take your pants off.” Clarke moans out. Lexa hurries to oblige. Once her clothes are shed, Clarke’s hand immediately cups her bulge. Lexa sighs out in pleasure. Clarke’s hand grips her girlfriend’s shaft, slowing pumping her member. Lexa presses her forehead to Clarke’s shoulder as she fingers Clarke, slowly going in and out. Lexa likes to start off slow, working Clarke up, before going fast and making Clarke come hard._

_“Lex c’mon baby I need you. I need all of you in me..now.” Clarke mewls out, grinding harder against whatever Lexa will give her. Lexa grunts and groans in pleasure at Clarke’s movements before the brunette angles her cock to Clarke’s entrance._

_“Baby, I need to go get a condom.” Lexa weakly warns. They usually use condoms but every now and then, in the heat of the moment, they don’t. They know it's not smart but this happens to be one of those times when they are acting like two hormonal teenagers in love and not thinking of potential consequences._

_“No, just come inside me. I’m on the pill. We should be fine.” Clarke whispers hotly. Lexa nods, not needing much convincing. She pushes her cock into Clarke. Lexa feels so good. Her girlfriend is so tight. Clarke’s walls are warm and wet and pulling her in. Lexa pumps her hips, pushing her full member in and out of Clarke. Clarke screams out in ecstasy._

_“Touch my clit please Lex.” Clarke moans out, trying to guide one of Lexa’s hands to her folds. Lexa smirks and bites her lip. The second she starts rubbing Clarke’s clit, the blonde screams out and starts to see stars. Lexa ruts into her, feeling her own orgasm crash into her. Lexa’s come coats Clarke’s walls. Clarke moans obscenely loud at the feeling. She loves feeling Lexa come inside her. Lexa pulls out once she is soft. She lays down next to Clarke and smiles._

_“That was perfect.” Lexa smiles dreamily. “I love making love to you.” Lexa smiles wide and goofily. Clarke snorts._

_“You’re such an adorable dork Lex.” Clarke giggles out. Lexa fake pouts. Clarke pulls her chin down for a kiss. “But you’re my dork so it’s okay.” Lexa smiles, nodding in agreement before leaning down and kissing Clarke languidly. “All mine.” Clarke mumbles against her lips._

_“All yours.” Lexa whispers sweetly before returning for more kisses. They couldn't be happier if they try. All they will ever need is each other. However, somewhere along the way, the two girls lose sight of that. And that's when the real tragedy begins._

__

Clarke shakes her head and swipes to some more pictures. She doesn’t know why she’s torturing herself looking at all these old photos of happier times. All she knows is that it’s bringing her some peace. Her and Lexa were happy once upon a time...right? Clarke misses the simple times when their biggest problem was some sunburn.

///

Lexa, wearing a hoodie and sunglasses, sneakily arrives at Costia’s house. She knows where the other actress lives since Costia once had a party during the filming of 'Grounders' and invited Lexa and Clarke. It was back when Costia acted as if she was just a sweet costar looking to be friends. God, Lexa was so dumb. Clarke was right. Why didn’t she just listen to her?

Lexa knocks on the door, pissed off and eager to get this over with. Costia, dressed in a bikini and sunglasses opens the door. A smirk immediately flies onto the barely clothed actress’ face.

“Well well well, Lexa Woods.” Costia smirks, making a conscious effort to hungrily scan up and down Lexa’s body. “What do I owe the pleasure?”

“Cut the crap Costia. We need to talk about your interview.” Lexa snaps out, not in the mood for the other actress’ dramatic theatrics. Costia rolls her eyes and moves, allowing Lexa to walk into her mansion. She closes the door and leads Lexa to the living room.

“I was just about to take a swim. Care to join me? You can swim nude. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” Costia teases and Lexa barely holds in the bile literally making it’s way up her throat.

“Knock it off.” Lexa barks out. Costia just laughs, sauntering over to her bar to pour herself a cocktail. “How could you do that interview? We agreed not to tell the media. You humiliated Clarke!”

“I humiliated Clarke?” Costia asks incredulously. “Lexa darling, I would have been fine keeping quiet about our little night but your bitch of an ex girlfriend decided to release that music video. It’s bad enough that there were rumours circulating all through Hollywood that we had an affair. That song basically confirmed it was me. I had to do something to save my public presence.” Costia explains in a simple almost bored tone.

“Don’t you dare call Clarke a bitch! You know nothing about her.” Lexa growls out. 

“You know Lexa, I’m not really appreciating your tone. I could have said much worse about you.” Costia says with a smirk on her face. “You should be thanking me really.”

“Thanking you?! Are you fucking kidding me?” Lexa snaps out. 

“Yes. I said you were a ‘skilled lover.’” Costia uses air quotes to signal her exact words. Lexa looks slightly offended. “I mean you have to admit, that night was a mess. We only had sex for what? Maybe a good minute before you all of a sudden developed a conscience.”

“What are you talking about?” Lexa asks slowly, wildly confused. Truthfully, that night is a little murky. She was so drunk. “We had sex. I remember we had sex.” Lexa sounds sure of herself, but now is very confused. Costia looks at her apprehensively.

“We made out in the kitchen for a bit before you carried me to the guest bedroom. Remember?” Costia asks plainly.

“Yes.” Lexa says guiltily. 

“Then we ripped each other's clothes off and you put a condom on. We started going at it for about a minute or two when you stopped it. You pulled out and said you couldn’t do it. You loved your girlfriend blah blah blah.” Costia says, seemingly still annoyed at how the night turned out.

“I mean I remember stopping it but I thought it was longer than that.” Lexa mumbles. She remembers the movements. She remembers vague memories of starting to have sex with Costia but she doesn’t remember for how long they had sex. All she remembers is that she couldn't stop thinking about Clarke. So she stopped it. But that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

“You started bitching about how you love your girlfriend. You kept mumbling about Clarke and that other chick. I tried to comfort you but then you yawned and mumbled that you were tired. I said you should probably go to bed so then we just slept.” Costia says while sipping on her fruity looking cocktail.

Lexa starts to remember bits and pieces of what Costia is saying. It’s a fuzzy picture but she remembers it all. She doesn’t want to think about this. She doesn’t want to relive sleeping with someone other than Clarke.

“Guess we both had a bit too much tequila.” Costia jokes. “But hey if you ever want a repeat with less alcohol and more sex this time,” Costia wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, “you know where to find me.”

“That will never happen.” Lexa growls out. “Just..” Lexa sighs deeply, “please don’t talk about me or Clarke again. Clarke is going through a rough time and your interview really upset her.”

“I didn’t say anything but the truth Lexa.” Costia says truthfully.

“I know.” Lexa says guiltily. “But you know as well as I do you were trying to rub it in her and everyone else’s face that we slept together.” Lexa says firmly. Costia just shrugs.

“Just leave us out of your plans to climb to the top of Hollywood ok? Don’t drag Clarke’s name in the media about mistakes I’ve made. Leave it alone, Costia.” Lexa says sternly. Costia rolls her eyes.

“Fine.” Costia throws her hands up in mock surrender. “The story is getting old anyways.”

Lexa shakes her head and starts to walk out the door.

"Before you leave, tell me this though. Why did you do it? You love Clarke right? So why sleep with someone else?" Costia asks curiously. Lexa sighs, exhausted suddenly.

"I'm still trying to figure that out." Lexa sadly mutters. "I don't think I'll ever have a explanation that satisfies anyone. It was the worst mistake of my life." Lexa mumbles. Costia nods, almost looking like she feels sorry for a moment. "Bye Costia. I hope we never cross paths again." Lexa softly says, not bitter and with no malice. She simply never wants to see the girl she slept with and in turn ruined the one good thing she ever had in her life. Lexa walks back to her car and never looks back.

///

Clarke sits in her fancy Los Angeles apartment for hours just staring at old pictures of her and Lexa. Octavia has texted her a bunch but she’s ignoring her. Raven texted her too. She quickly responds to Raven that she’s ok and that she’s just shutting the world out right now.

Clarke decides to take a nap. She can’t shut her brain off and she doesn’t want to do drugs right now to distract herself. Clarke is woken up about four hours later to the ring of her buzzer. She yawns and gets up to figure out who’s at her door.

“Who is it?” Clarke asks hesitantly.

“It’s me.” A female voice patches through and Clarke’s eyes widen. She immediately buzzes the girl up and opens the door.

“Hey Grif. I’m not gonna lie, you’ve had better days.” The girl teases.

“Luna...You’re here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Luna is back! Let's see what her appearance back in Clarke's life is gonna do. Costia is out of the picture for good! (Unless I change my mind in later chapters and decide she needs to make a surprise reappearance). 
> 
> Oh and btw, I'm seeing some comments about Lexa and Costia's conversation about what happened that night. The point of the conversation wasn't to imply that they didn't have sex or to say that Lexa didn't cheat. Because that's just not true. Lexa cheated. Case closed. I won't be changing that fact later in the fic. There won't be some plot twist where I say Lexa didn't cheat. 
> 
> The point of their conversation was just to shed a little light on what was going on in Lexa's head when it happened. And her thoughts will be explored more later on in the fic. As of right now, Lexa can't really pinpoint why she cheated. Maybe she already knows but she doesn't want to admit it to herself. Point is that right now, the cheating is going to be on the backburner for a bit. 
> 
> Clarke's addictions are a serious problem and that's going to be the focus for the next few chapters. But hey, I would still love to hear your opinions on why you think Lexa cheated.
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter please. I really love to hear feedback.
> 
> Enjoy :)


	9. Say No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luna is back in town. Clarke thinks back to when she relapsed again. Lexa talks to her very angry manager.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes!
> 
> Trigger Warning : Mentions of alcoholism, drug addiction, drug use, and relapses.
> 
> ALSO, there is a scene of Clarke with someone other than Lexa. I tried to keep the details at a minimum since I know most of y'all don't like that. I figured I'd warn you though.

“Luna… You’re here.” Clarke says in surprise and awe. She hasn’t seen Luna since the last leg of her tour. Clarke was a mess back then. Lexa had just admitted she cheated on her and she just couldn’t deal.

“Hey Griff. I’ve missed you.” Luna breathes out with an easy smile on her face. She hugs the blonde tightly and Clarke hugs her right back.

“Come in, come in. What are you doing in New York?” Clarke invites Luna in and leads her to the living room.

“Quick charity concert in Brooklyn.” Luna says nonchalantly. Luna plops down on the couch and her easy smile turns to a look of understanding and slight sadness.

“So I saw Costia Greene’s interview.” Luna says quietly. Clarke immediately tenses up in her seat next to Luna. Luna places her hand over Clarke’s to calm the blonde down. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.” Luna says sincerely.

Luna actually liked Lexa. She thought the girl was sweet, very kind. She never had a bad word to say about the brunette. And when Clarke confided in Luna that she was an addict and that Lexa supported her and stood by her during her worst of days, Luna respected the woman that is Lexa Woods. But after Clarke became a mess on the later days of the tour after Lexa flew out and admitted she cheated, Luna lost all respect for her. 

“It’s okay Lun.” Clarke says with a crack voice and a heartbreaking shrug. “It’s not your fault.” The blonde mumbles.

“Yeah but I can still be sorry that you had to hear that bullshit. You know, Costia has some nerve pulling that crap on live television. Does she not realize this isn’t one of her little movies? This is real life. It’s time for her to start acting like an adult. And she’s not the only one.” Luna rants angrily. People in Hollywood are too much for the singer. That’s why Luna’s personal life stays strictly her business. She doesn’t want to be in the gossip magazines and she is completely baffled by the people who do. 

“It’s okay Lun. I’m okay.” Clarke says weakly. Luna just looks at her incredulously. “Alright..I’m not okay. I’m a fucking wreck. But I’ve been a mess long before Costia came out with that interview.” Clarke shrugs, averting her sad eyes from Luna’s gaze. Luna is quiet for a few minutes.

“Have you spoken to Lexa?” Luna asks curiously. Last she talked to Clarke, which was about two weeks ago, Clarke had not talked to Lexa since the brunette confessed to cheating. Clarke even sent Raven to pack up her belongings in their penthouse. She just couldn’t do it and she couldn’t stand to see Lexa’s face without breaking down.

“Oh yeah.” Clarke laughs bitterly. “I ran into her at a club the other day. We had a big fight and then I stormed away. And then yesterday, I showed up at her house and confronted her about the interview. We yelled...well more like I yelled and Lexa was soft and understanding as usual..then I cried and she cried. We fell asleep in eachother’s arms and I snuck out early this morning.” Clarke explains as Luna’s eyes widen at every new bit of information shared with her.

“Wow. You two seem to be reconnecting then?” Luna probes gently. She will respect whatever Clarke’s choice is in regards to Lexa. Clarke has explained a decent amount to Luna about her and Lexa’s relationship after they broke up. But Luna doesn’t know the whole story. So Luna knows it’s not really her place to judge or lecture Clarke on her choices regarding Lexa. For the record though, Luna hopes Clarke doesn’t get back with Lexa..at least not now. Clarke is in too emotional of a state to start a healthy relationship, not to mention all the baggage her and Lexa seem to have with each other.

“No..not like that.” Clarke says firmly. She might be talking to Lexa more now but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting every time she sees the brunette. It doesn’t mean she’s forgiven Lexa..and it certainly doesn’t mean she’s forgotten what Lexa’s done, even for a second. Luna nods, accepting the answer.

“What was your ‘big fight’ about?” Luna asks curiously. Clarke bites her lip like she does when she thinks she’s about to get in trouble.

“We were fighting about my addictions.” Clarke mumbles so low that Luna almost didn’t hear her. Luna knows Clarke has fallen off the wagon. In fact, she was there for Clarke the first night that Clarke slipped after her and Lexa broke up.

_5 Months Ago_

_The tour has come to a close with it’s final blowout performance in Manhattan. Clarke is finally home, except she no longer has a home. So instead, she's living in a very expensive hotel suite as her managers search for a suitable new place to live._

_Luna is staying in the same hotel, coincidentally in the room next to her. There's an afterparty in celebration of the tour’s success at the drummer’s house. It's suppose to be epic. Famous singers and actors and actresses will all be in attendance._

_But Clarke is really really hesitant to go. She is barely holding onto her sobriety as it is. Lexa has tried reaching out to her but Clarke just rebuffs every attempt. And now Clarke’s back in Manhattan. Manhattan, the place where her and Lexa lived most of their adult lives together. Manhattan, the place where Lexa is right now as well. It’s almost too much for Clarke to bear. Lexa is walking the same streets right now. Clarke can’t stand it._

_“Hey Griff. I have to make an appearance at this party but I can leave early and come back. We can watch some movies and have a girls night, if you’re interested?” Luna says sweetly. Clarke loves Luna..as a friend of course. Luna has been a very important part of her staying sober this past month. If it wasn’t for Luna, she would no longer be sober._

_“No it’s okay.” Clarke waves the curly haired girl off politely. “Thank you though.”_

_“Well it would have been fun. You’re missing out. You could have even invited your cute friend Raven.” Luna smirks, teasing. Clarke chuckles. Luna has seen pictures of Raven on Clarke’s phone and on her Instagram. The curly haired girl is always drooling over her even though she’s never met Raven. It's now become a little running joke between the two girls._

_“Have fun at the party.” Clarke says sincerely. Luna leaves with a small smile on her face. Clarke stares at the walls for hours, bored and lonely. She decides to go out and surprise Raven._

_“Raven oh god.” Anya moans out as Raven pumps her fingers in and out of her expertly. They were watching a movie when Raven started kissing on Anya’s neck and the poor girl was done for. They’re still fully clothed with Raven on top of Anya and her hand down the girl’s baggy sweats._

_“You like that?” Raven whispers out sexily and Anya has to choke back her groan. Her breathing is so heavy. She's close. The second Anya can feel her toes curling, Clarke barges through the door._

_“Oh my god!” Clarke screams out as she covers her eyes and slams the front door. Did she really just walk in on Raven...and Anya? Well things certainly have changed while she was gone, that's for sure._

_“Clarke! Wait, don't leave!” Raven calls out. Clarke stands patiently outside her best friend’s apartment door, still shocked. Raven hurries outside a second later, her clothes and hair disheveled. Clarke looks at her expectantly._

_Truth is that Raven and Anya have been sleeping together for maybe two months now. It happened the first time while Clarke was on tour. They were keeping it to themselves, not even Lexa knows and she hung out with them a lot while Clarke was on tour. They had so much sexual tension for years. It was bound to happen._

_“Hey! You're back.” Raven breathes out happily before going to hug her best friend who she hasn't seen in months since Clarke left for Luna’s tour. They still talked all the time. There was even a very very long heartbreaking phone call after her and Lexa broke up. Raven offered to fly over to Clarke but the blonde said it was okay and that she’d be back soon. They pair had plans to spend the afternoon together tomorrow but Clarke figured since she wasn’t busy now she might as well surprise her friend. She regrets her decision._

_“You’re with Anya now?” Clarke cuts right to the chase. Raven looks away guiltily, biting her lip._

_“Uh well we’ve sorta been messing around for the past two months. It just happened. We didn’t want to tell you or Le-” Raven’s eyes widen realizing she was about to bring up Lexa to Clarke. Clarke looks sad for a moment and swallows deeply._

_“You can say Lexa’s name, Raven. I won’t break.” Clarke tries to sound strong but secretly inside she wants to sob. She doesn’t want to even say Lexa’s name out loud, let alone actually think about her._

_“Oh okay. So um yeah we didn’t wanna tell you guys until we knew what it was.” Raven says nervously. Clarke isn’t mad though. Would she have liked to know? Sure. But it’s Raven’s life and it’s Raven and Anya’s business who they tell. As long as it wasn’t specifically a secret from her, she’s ok._

_“And what are you two?” Clarke says curiously. Raven shrugs._

_“The hell if I know.” Raven shrugs. They’re still trying to figure it out. Lately though, there’s been a lot of tension between Raven and Anya. Raven is Clarke’s best friend. And Anya is Lexa’s best friend. Together, they were a very very close group. Clarke is good friends with Anya and Raven is good friends with Lexa. But deep down, Raven’s loyalty always will be to Clarke just as Anya’s is to Lexa. And that’s creating a bit of a rift between them._

_They try to ignore it but it’s present. It’s always lingering. It’s hard for them. Raven refuses to go out if Lexa is there. Anya grows impatient and snappy at Raven whenever the girl says something about Lexa. It’s just a mess. But they’re still trying. They actually like each other. It’s more than sex...at least Raven thinks it is._

_“Are you mad?” Raven asks worriedly. She didn’t think Clarke or Lexa would be mad once they found out her and Anya started sleeping together. But that was before Lexa’s cheating and their breakup. Now Clarke might feel like she’s betrayed and that it the absolute last thing that Raven wants._

_“No I’m not mad.” Clarke replies honestly. “But I am going to let you two get back to your evening together.” Clarke says with a small smile on her face. She’s happy for Raven and Anya. Truly. It was only a matter of time before this happened. But it does make her sad. It makes her reminiscent of a time when her and Lexa were together, a time when they would both tease Anya and Raven relentlessly. The teasing just wouldn’t be fun without Lexa by her side. All of a sudden, Clarke feels lonely._

_“You can stay and watch movies with us. Anya is your friend too, Clarke.” Raven says sincerely. She doesn’t want Clarke to feel left out or like they were hiding something specifically from her. She knows Clarke is struggling a lot right now and last thing Raven wants is to add to that pain._

_“I know she is.” Clarke smiles with sad eyes. “I actually just wanted to pop in and say hi before meeting up with Luna.” Clarke lies. She doesn’t want to be a burden to Raven. She can always see Raven tomorrow like they planned._

_“Oh okay.” Raven says disappointed. Her invitation was completely sincere. She misses her best friend. “I’ll see you tomorrow then, yeah?” Raven sounds hopeful._

_“Yeah of course.” Clarke goes in for a brief hug and kiss on the cheek. “I love you Rae.”_

_“Love you too C.”_

_Clarke leaves Raven’s apartment and wanders the streets of Manhattan a little. She’s trying to get her mind off going to that party. She knows there will be a lot of temptation there and she isn’t sure if she’s strong enough to say no if someone offers her a drink or a line._

_After about an hour of walking around randomly, Clarke finds herself outside the drummer’s penthouse. Clarke stands outside the luxurious building, warily eyeing the property. Should she go in? Clarke shakes her head. No she shouldn’t. She starts walking away from the residence with her head looking down, not paying attention to other people walking on the street. And that’s when a tall strong body collides into hers. Finn Collins to be exact. Finn Collins as in part of Manhattan’s elite and drug dealer to the stars._

_“Clarke? You look amazing as usual. I was hoping you’d be here.” Finn says with a bright smile. Clarke smiles back softly._

_“Hey Finn. You look good as well. I was actually just leaving-” Clarke says politely until the long haired man cuts her off in an excited voice._

_“Oh no, don’t say that! Come on, the party is only a few hours in. We can catch up.” Finn says sweetly. “Besides, I have some wicked party favors if you know what I mean.” Finn winks and Clarke’s entire body tenses. “I know how much you used to like my product. I gotta warn you, I’ve bumped it up a notch. New product coming in. It’s great though, you’ll love it.”_

_Clarke grits her teeth. Her heart is beating fast. ‘Say no, Say no, Say no,’ Clarke repeats in her head like a new mantra. ‘Come on Clarke, you’ve been so good. You’re stronger than this.’_

_“Not tonight Finn.” Clarke says politely. “I don’t really do that anymore.”_

_“Oh okay that’s cool then.” Finn puts his hands up in mock surrender.“How about we just go up there and catch up then?” When Clarke looks like she’s about to say no, Finn starts talking again. “No drugs, scouts honor.” Finn jokingly does the scout salute. “We were good friends once upon a time, right? I figured maybe you’d wanna talk. I heard Lexa and you broke up. I’m so sorry Clarke.” Finn says gently._

_Clarke’s heart starts beating faster. She doesn’t want to talk about this. Not with Finn. Not with anyone really._

_“Thank you.” Clarke says quietly. Finn smiles and moves closer to her._

_“You deserve better. I mean it seemed like she was always trying to control you, right?” Finn says lightly. “I don’t know man, I think you’re better off.”_

_“Finn, don’t talk about things you don’t understand.” Clarke warns. She gets annoyed whenever talking about Lexa. Only a select few people know that Lexa cheated. And honestly, Clarke wants to keep it that way. She doesn’t want people to pity her or hate on Lexa. She just wants everyone to leave them alone._

_“Shit, I’m sorry Clarke. I overstepped, didn’t I?” Finn rubs the back of his neck while he frantically apologizes. “I just..me and Vanessa just broke up recently too. It’s been rough. I thought we could just chat and hangout like old times, maybe bitch about our exes. But hey no pressure. I just miss ya princess.” Finn says sweetly. Clarke bites her lip. This whole conversation has been very hard for her. I mean, it won’t hurt to just go up there, right? Yeah she can manage to go to a party and socialize without going off the deep end. It shouldn’t be that hard...right?_

_“I guess we can catch up for a bit. It’s not like I have anything better to do.” Clarke says with a smile on her face. Finn smiles wide, happy to spend more time with Clarke._

_“Great! Let’s go on up then!” Finn exclaims, leading the way inside and up the elevator to the drummer’s penthouse._

_Finn Collins is an old buddy of Clarke’s from her partying days. After that night where she tried cocaine for the first time, she asked her celeb friends who she knew used where they got their ‘stuff’ from. They all told her Finn Collins. He apparently had the cleanest stuff around._

_Finn had a thing for Clarke. Everybody with eyes saw that..except for Clarke of course. The first few months, Finn would hang around her like a lost puppy whenever they went out and partied. Clarke introduced Lexa to him (without saying that he was her drug dealer of course). Lexa hated him. Clarke stopped hanging out with him as much since Lexa disliked him so much._

_Once Finn got a new girlfriend named Vanessa though, he was much less hostile to Lexa. Eventually Lexa learned to tolerate him..especially since he managed to stop publicly drooling over her girlfriend. Finn wasn’t all that bad a guy to be around. He was charming and funny. Everyone loved him. Deep down, he does have a good heart but the fact of the matter is that he's an addict. Clarke eventually realized that Finn was enabling her and finally told Lexa that Finn was in fact her dealer. Lexa was furious and begged Clarke to cut off contact with him. Clarke agreed and ever since then, Clarke did not talk to Finn anymore. But now, Lexa cheated on her. They’re done. She doesn’t have a say in what Clarke does with her life anymore. Clarke can do as she pleases and that’s exactly what she’s going to do._

_Clarke goes upstairs with Finn and immediately is greeted by flashing lights, copious amounts of alcohol, and some celebs in the corner snorting lines. Clarke shuts her eyes in an effort to ground herself. She can do this. She can do this. She can do this._

_Finn smiles and lightly takes her hand, weaving in and out of the crowd. After a few hello’s from fellow celebs, they find a quiet spot out on the balcony. Finn signals to one of the servers to bring over two of whatever he’s serving. The server comes by and hands him two champagne flutes filled to the brim with bubbling gold liquid._

_“Oh I..I’m good.” Clarke waves off the drink. Finn nods._

_“Oh I’m sorry Clarke. I didn’t realize you weren’t drinking either.” Finn says apologetically as he places the glass of champagne meant for Clarke on the glass table next to them._

_“Yeah. I’m sober for about a year now.” Clarke says modestly. Finn’s eyes widen._

_“Well hey congrats! You’re a stronger person than me.” Finn says sincerely before drinking his glass in one gulp. “Ahh that’s refreshing.” Finn remarks before his attention drifts to Clarke’s body. “Wow Clarke, I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this but you really look beautiful tonight.” Finn says in a shy but admiring voice._

_Clarke feels a bit flustered. Whenever people used to hit on her, she would just politely wave them off informing them that she has a girlfriend. But now, she’s not with Lexa. She doesn’t owe Lexa anything. And she can’t distract herself by drinking or doing drugs, so why not just flirt a bit? That can’t hurt right?_

_“You’re allowed to say whatever you like.” Clarke husks out. Finn’s eyes are slightly surprised. His smile is sincere._

_“Well in that case, do you want to go dance with me princess?” Finn says excitedly. Clarke bites her lip while thinking if she really wants to do this. She just wants to feel wanted, less lonely. And Finn is making her feel sort of okay right now. There’s no pity in his eyes._

_“Sure why not.” Clarke says surely. Finn smiles, chugging the other glass of champagne before offering his hand to Clarke. The singer accepts and Finn leads her to the dance floor._

_Finn smiles at her when the get in the middle of all the hot sweaty bodies dancing in the dark. He smirks at her and slides his arm around her waist, both their fronts pressed together close. They dance close, their faces getting closer and closer. Finn’s hands roam Clarke’s stomach and lower back, never going too high or too low. Finn takes a chance and presses a soft lingering kiss to Clarke’s cheek, close to her mouth. "Is this okay?" Finn asks nervously. If Clarke were to say no, Finn would stop right away. But Clarke that's not what Clarke says._

_"Yeah..it's nice." Clarke mumbles out and Finn smiles wide. Clarke turns around so that her generous backside presses against Finn. The dark haired man grips her waist tight and goes to whisper in her ear._

_“You’re driving me crazy.” Finn whispers hotly against her skin._

_“Good.” Clarke rasps out. It all feels like a game, a game she doesn’t really like. She misses Lexa. But whenever she thinks of Lexa, she thinks of Costia and that only spurs her on more. She just wants to feel something else other than the pain and betrayal. Maybe a little part of her even wants to get back at Lexa, but she'll never admit that._

_They dance like this for quite some time, her hips swaying to the beat. Finn moves her blonde hair to one side with his gruff hands. He kisses the newly free space of Clarke’s bare neck. Clarke leans into the touch. His hands go under Clarke’s top resting on her belly but doesn’t make any move to go further. He’s teasing her, trying to turn her on. It’s working._

_She feels Finn’s one hand playing with the button on her jeans. It makes her really wet. It’s a weird feeling, being aroused by someone that isn’t Lexa. Lexa. Lexa cheated on her. Clarke can’t take all these conflicting emotions in her head right now. She just can’t fucking do it anymore. She’s at her limit. Clarke turns around quickly and Finn’s eyes widen slightly, confused by her abrupt movement._

_“Did I go too far?” Finn says apologetically. Clarke shakes her head._

_“No. You haven’t gone far enough.” Clarke crashes her lips into Finn’s. Nobody on the dance floor is paying attention, too drunk or high to see anything on the crowded dark floor. Clarke breaks the kiss and drags Finn to an upstairs room, grabbing two bottles of champagne on her way up._

_Clarke and Finn lay breathless in the bed. The blonde stares up at the ceiling, immensely disappointed in herself. She thought this would make her feel good, but it doesn’t. It’s made her feel worse. The alcohol is starting to take its effect, her body buzzing. She was doing so well and now it’s over. She ignores the warm body cuddling into her as her brain processes all her thoughts at a pace of a million miles a minute._

_“What’s going on in your head princess?” Finn mumbles out, pressing a light kiss to Clarke’s cheek. His kisses feel wrong. They’re not Lexa. She doesn't know why she thought this would make her feel good. She thought maybe she'd be empowered. Maybe it'd mean that she was moving on. Maybe Lexa sleeping with someone else wouldn't hurt as bad if she slept with someone else too. But none of those things happened. And now Clarke is left more broken than she was before._

_“This was a mistake, Finn.” Clarke breathes out. Finn grows silent for a long time. Clarke looks over at him and sees the sadness in his eyes._

_“I get it.” He throws her a sad smile. “But you know, I’m here for you.” Finn says honestly. Clarke bites her lip, trying to stop the next words she know are going to fly out of her mouth._

_“You mentioned you had a new product..what is it?” Clarke asks with wide curious eyes. Finn looks at her apprehensively._

_“Clarke, you just told me you were sober for a year.” Finn says hesitantly._

_“And then I proceeded to down a bottle of champagne.” Clarke points out. Finn nods slowly._

_“Yeah but that’s different. This shit is strong.” Finn says carefully._

_“Oh don’t act like I’m some newbie, Finn. You know I can handle my coke.” Clarke blurts out and her hand flies to her mouth, in disbelief of what she just said. It scares her. It scares her how easy she can slip back into her old persona._

_“Yeah you got me there.” Finn chuckles. “But this is..well it’s heroin.” Finn says bluntly. “I mean if that’s not your thing, I have another shipment of coke coming in about three weeks.”_

_Clarke tenses. No. She can’t do that. That’s what killed her Dad and her Mom. No. As soon as the word ‘heroin’ is brought up, it’s like something wakes up in Clarke. She shouldn’t be here._

_“No.” Clarke says lowly. “I don’t want that.”_

_“See? Told ya.” Finn simply states, shrugging his shoulders. Clarke gets up, letting the thin bedsheet drop from her naked figure. She hurriedly picks up all her clothes and starts throwing them on carelessly, desperate to get out of that room. She feels like she’s suffocating._

_Was she really about to do heroin? That killed her parents. She always promised herself she would never do that. And now? Now, there was a split second where she was terrified that she might just say yes._

_“This was a mistake.. and I -I have to go.” Clarke stutters out. She turns around and sees that Finn’s face matches that of a kicked puppy. She feels bad. Finn must have feelings for her. She used him too. It makes Clarke feel even shittier. “I - I’m sorry.” Clarke mutters out sadly before running out the door. She can hear Finn calling out her name from the guest bedroom but she doesn’t stop. She only stops when she runs into something, more specifically someone._

_“Clarke? What are you doing here?” Luna asks worriedly. Clarke looks a wreck. Her hair is messy and her clothes are wrinkled. Not a second later, Finn stumbles out of the room throwing on his shirt and buckling his belt. Luna looks between the two of them and only then does she truly understand what had just happened._

_“Oh.” Luna mumbles, clearly shocked._

_“Clarke..” Finn tries but Luna puts her hand up and he immediately shuts up. Luna is fierce like that. Nobody wants to mess with her. She seems sweet and peaceful, but the second you cross her, you’re done for._

_“I’m taking Clarke home now, Mr. Collins. Whatever this was, it’s over.” Luna states in a calm yet deadly voice. Finn nods sadly as Luna leads Clarke away from him. Luna wraps her arms around Clarke like a protective Mama Bear. She heads straight for the door and calls a taxi. She can smell the alcohol on Clarke’s breath. Clarke has relapsed._

_Clarke refuses to cry. She refuses to cry all the way until they get back to their hotel. Luna stays in Clarke’s room that night. She knows it won’t be easy for Clarke to stay sober now. It was hard enough before._

_“I’m here for you, Clarke.” Luna whispers to in Clarke’s hair as the blonde lays in her arms. And it’s true. Luna is there for her friend and she always will be._

_///_

Lexa plans to call her agent once she gets home. She knows how angry Titus must be at her for dodging his calls. But once she arrives home, the tall seething bald man is already waiting on her porch. Lexa sighs out and prepares herself for Titus’ lecture.

“Alexandria.” Titus says simply. To anyone else, Titus would just seem indifferent. But to Lexa..well let's just say oh boy is she in trouble.

“Look Titus, I’ve been busy trying to-”

“You’ve been busy? I see.” Titus nods slightly. Lexa rolls her eyes and unlocks her front door letting both herself and Titus in.

“Spit it out.” Lexa sighs out.

“Nothing, it’s just funny that you’ve been too busy to call me back. I mean it’s not like I have been the one _constantly_ on the phone with talk show hosts begging _me_ to put you on their show. It’s not like I have been on the phone with the producers for the TV show ‘Off the Radar,’ begging _them_ not to cut your guest spot for later this season. Oh wait, that is actually exactly what I’ve been doing!” Titus fumes out. “So tell me Alexandria, while I’ve been trying to save your public image and in turn your career, what in the hell have you been so ‘busy’ with?

Lexa sighs out. She’s so tired. So tired of fighting with everyone. Everyone hates her so it seems. Even if it is warranted, it makes her so tired. And lonely. And sad. And broken. Perhaps she was a little bit of all of those things before she cheated and didn’t even realize it. The thought makes her feel more exhausted than she was two seconds ago.

“What do I have to do to fix this?” Lexa says sadly.

“Get Clarke to issue a statement that she’s forgiven you.” Titus demands simply.

“Absolutely not. Don’t you dare suggest we drag Clarke in this. That is final.” Lexa’s voice is deadly low. Titus is man who will push and push until he gets his way, but he knows that there’s no point in trying to do so in this specific instance. Lexa is very clear on her feelings about Clarke. She would never allow it. Perhaps he’ll have to get a little creative on this one.

“Very well Alexandria. Then I’ll schedule an interview for you at the same talk show that Costia was on yesterday. Maybe sometime next week after we prep you. I’ll be in touch.” Titus says firmly before departing, leaving Lexa alone to her deepest of thoughts.

Lexa closes her eyes and tries to shut out the rest of the world for a quick minute. Her brain needs a break.

It never works though. As soon as she shuts her eyes, she is haunted by her favorite shade of blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now we saw Clarke's relapse. There's a lot of reasons for her actions and some are explained in the chapter. The last few chapters have been very heavy with flashbacks on Clarke's struggles with her addictions. If y'all think it's too much, then let me know. I'm sure I can squeeze in some more Clexa fluff flashbacks in there if y'all request it. 
> 
> Sound off in the comment section as usual. I enjoying hearing the variety of opinions out there.
> 
> Enjoy!


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